And all the bridges you've burned leave you trapped off at all sides...or I'm really kind of pissed off.

I'm really kind of pissed off.
I have no idea if this will make any sense at all.

First (and not really related): I am not stupid. I do actually know what's going on. (You don't have to pretend)

Now:
I burn bridges. You may or may not have heard this from me or realized this about me before, but it's true.
A lot of times, if something happens or I get annoyed, I just completely cut the offending thing (read: person) out of my life. (In fact, if you're reading this, you probably DIDN'T know this, because you're obviously one of the survivors). And it's easy. And it doesn't really bother me. That's wrong, isn't it?
I don't usually regret it. In fact, I don't usually think about it after.
And it's so EASY.

But here's what I'm thinking about: when it's not easy. Because it seems like, with me, it's either too easy or too hard.
Sometimes, I think I'm missing that gene that allows someone to get really really angry when someone hurts them. I like to think of it as the typical girl gene or the facebook status update gene (you know, "is SOOOOO better off without you!!!!!!" Or any Taylor Swift lyrics). And sometimes I wish I had it.

Here's the thing, though. I don't know WHY. I don't know WHY I can get angry at some people--so angry I decide I absolutely cannot tolerate that and want nothing to do with it ever again--and why I can't get angry at others--why I hold it in and bury it and strive to make THEM not mad at ME when they've done things that are probably worse and more unforgiveable.

The best I can come up with is that some people just mean more. Even if the reason isn't logical or good. Even if they, because of past actions, deserve to be cut out or deserve not to mean anything at all. I guess I must still need something. Or want something. Or maybe one day, the anger will be there, and there will be a big explosion. Or maybe I'll just keep going rround and round and round.
I don't know.

I just don't know.

Dangles on a string. Like slow spinning redemption.

I think of all the things I think are real (if any of them can actually be considered real at all), this is the one I believe most.

A lot of things I think are true I eventually end up seeing through. But God, please, PLEASE let me believe it every single day, just as much, for the rest of my life. Don't let this one get tarnished.

Hope.
It's the singlemost valueable, delicate, fragile, volatile of human emotions, and it is the most important.
You must always, always have hope.

If you lose it, to be frank, you're screwed.
It underlies everything you've got, past, present, and most definitely future. It is the only thing worth living for.
Without it, you cannot live.

If you lose hope, stop. Stop your life. Just drop everything, because none of it will matter if you don't, and none of it will matter until you find it again. (If you forge on, nothing might ever matter, ever, ever again.)
Put your life on pause, because if you lose hope you are NOT going in the right direction.
Whatever path you are on, get off. Whatever way you're going, stop. If you think it's right, it's not.
Fix it.

Without hope, you can not breathe.
It's delicate, fragile, impossible to find, easy to crush.
A beautiful truth.
But it's absolutely, undeniably, necessary.

The Digital Age.

Isn't it weird...in this age of technology...that you can GET so much more information than you're supposed to have?

Ok, so maybe this will make me seem like a stalker...I've accepted that.

But you can look up a lot about a person, and you can know things they haven't told you. And then you have to bloop right back into real life, and what do you do with that information? You kind of have to pretend you don't know anything about it. But you do. And that's strange.

I know it's a curse of the digital age or whatever, but that's NOT what I'm talking about. I'm talking about how that affects PEOPLE. And relationships. And how you function, day to day.

I just think it's strange that you can go about your life and live and interact and think nothing has changed in a relationship and then you see something online (with a tag date of..I don't know, a few hours or days ago, or something) and realize it's actually been there, running like an undercurrent, and you'd been going on like nothing happened and that person has actually been feeling however their blog or status says but you never knew because they never said anything and you never picked up on it and you never saw it til just now.

Does that mean emotions in this digital age aren't real until you see them on your feed?

Or when you actually know something BECAUSE it IS posted, but you don't see it in real life, do you say something? To try to help, to let them know you're there? Or do you ignore it cause they seem fine in real life and you don't want to look like a stalker?

What's real? Which? Internet and posts and blogs or talking and seeing. You can't deny that both have validity, and you CAN'T deny that we live in BOTH worlds. It's just a question of which do you take cues from when.

That's so, so totally twisted.

You make your past your past.

High school feels very far away to me right now.

It is, you might say. But what I mean is it feels infinitely farther than two years away.

I feel like a completely different person. Like the feelings I had then and the reactions I had then and how I did things and the THINGS I did...that were all so completely, completely paramount then--felt like the MOST important thing, then...are the unfaded mark on the wall when you take down a picture that's been hanging for a long time. They're just transparent spectres I can put my hand through.

And I feel like most of the people I knew then are in the same boat.

And here are the facts: We've grown up. All of us. Or maybe this is more accurate: We've changed.





Sometimes, I want to go back.

Sometimes, I wish really, really hard that I could take my life and transport it back. Back. Not because it was the best time of my life or because my life sucks now. (I definitely realize high school wasn't gold-coated. I'm perfectly happy looking forward too. And I know the whole "live in the moment" "just accept reality" stuff. Valid, all)

It's just because, for nostalgia's sake, I want to feel what that life is like again. To be that person again. Like trying on a halloween costume. Because, to be honest, I think I kind of forget. And I think that's a perfectly valid wish.

Sometimes, I wish it so hard it hurts.
But it never happens. And you know why?

Ignoring all the logical reasons about not being able to go back in time, it's this: Because as hard as you wish it, you can never fashion a memory into something real again.

A memory is just a intangible piece of crumbling tissue paper wafting through, always buoyed just out of reach by the breeze.

You can look at it, and it's beautiful.
But you can't catch it.
If you do, I suppose, it's only to find that it crumbles in your hand, leaving nothing but dust.

You can look back and smile and laugh and remember, but as hard as you try, you cannot make a memory be something real and living again. Just like you cannot make someone love you. If you think you have, there's a good chance you're lying to yourself.

It's sad. Sad that some things don't last. Sad that some things die. Sad that you can't really ever go back to before.
But here's the glimmer of hope: Memories, while you may always look back on them with the vague and unidentifiable pang of longing in your side, will always be there to remind you that it did--in fact--exist, once. And though you may never be able to inhabit them fully again, you can make new things. New things that are real. New things that will become memories, maybe, someday, too.

Call me crazy.

(I have no idea where this is going. I haven't really thought much about it.)

So, so often I find myself pausing. Standing in the middle of the sidewalk or in a room full of people, thinking...How the hell did I get here?

It's that moment where you look around at the place or the people and look back on every single choice you've made that's brought you to that point and you get so confused because it's not at all where you imagined you'd be or how your life would go and it doesn't at all fit in with the elaborate imagine you've constructed of yourself for yourself.

More often than not, it's more like...How the hell did I get here again?

I seem to find myself back at the same crossroads over and over and over. Despite what I think I've "learned" or the steadfast dedication I (apparently) had to never, never do (insert thing here) again. Despite whatever pain or frustration it casused me before.
It makes me wonder. Am I destined to continually follow the same ridiculous circle path--even when I can't really see the end and think it leads somewhere else? Am I even making sense right now? I don't think I am.

I continually make the same decisions, even when I should know better. I put off that paper. I go out on Saturday night. I stay up late. I have that argument. I put myself out there.
And I continually reap the same consequences. I am stressed. I am sick. I am tired. I ruin relationships. I get hurt.

Someone told me once (or maybe it was a quote) that the definition of crazy is doing the same things over and over and expecting different conquences, and it made me squirm a bit. Because honestly? I knew that was me.

I think that not learning from your mistakes is one of the worst things you can do...whether is be because you're too stubborn to pick up the pride or just too stupid to see it (though the second gets a little reprieve...until they DO realize it. Then if they ignore it, it's worse. Sadly, that's me.)

It's like...stagnation vs. dynamism. Like... the contrast of realtionships in Wuthering Heights (only not.) The same stale cycle of over and over and over vs. having the strength to break out in one bold, all-in move.

But how do you do that? I mean. How do you learn? How many times should you try before you have to conclude that nothing is changing? You don't want to give up too easily. Before you're brought to the absolute precipice and change is essential to survival?

Just call me crazy.

Time takes time, you know?

I haven't written anything here in a long time, but I've been thinking about it. I just have a bunch of free, unrelated thoughts. So. Here's what I've been thinking:

Creative Writing has truly been an experience this semester. I've never written much before because I've never FORCED myself to write...and I've never really seen what I can do. And you know what? It's more than I expected. It's challenging and stressful and hard to push myself, but it's rewarding. I've grown in a lot of ways. I've discovered different parts of myself. I've put that out there and let it be critiqued, and I've gotten better because of it. And guess what else? I've discovered that I've got some good stuff goin. And I've learned to embrace those things. And to grow.

I love fall. But I love fall in Bloomington more. It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen, and I just can't help but walk around campus every day and think...I made the right choice. I never question it. More importantly, I'm constantly reminded that life is beautiful. And that's a beautiful thing.

Songs are so inextricably tied to emotions. They will always take you back to that time to which they're connected. Even if it doesn't make sense. For instance the song "Bubbly" by Colbie Caliat makes me want to throw up. And it's no offense to the song. Just a thought.

There are certain days that will always force me down an introspective tunnel, and today is a day for me. These days make me look back and ask "What was I doing at this time last year? What was my life like? What was I like?"
And here's the answer I've come up with this year:
I've changed a lot. I've woken up to a lot of things, and I've accepted things. I've learned to let things go. I've learned to love myself more. I've learned to care about other people more. I've learned a little more about life and reality, and I've gotten more mature. More responsible, more assertive, more independent. More stable.
I've grown up and changed and things have changed and I feel like I'm more on the road to who I want to be and that I've got a clearer idea of what that is.
And despite what is lost in that, it's a good thing, I think. It gets me one step closer to the question that is inextricably connected to the one before that I always ask right after, and one that I think defines the pinnacle moments in my life/reflection upon it:

"What will I be doing at this time next year? What will my life be like? What will I be like?"

Stop and Stare

It's easy to get caught up in how busy life is.
It's easy to let yourself get caught up in a routine (because that's how it HAS to be or you wouldn't get done with all the stuff that needs to get done, right??).
It's easy to let yourself just walk from place to place and become numb to your surroundings because you're either walking too fast to pay attention or because you've seen it so many times that it's all so mundane.

It's easy, but don't.

That's what I've learned over the past few weeks.
I've learned that when you actually take the time you have to slow down and talk to someone from your Spanish class last semester (even when you probably should be walking to the stupid business school) you see things and people you normally don't. And the funny thing is, they're there all the time, but normally you're too busy walking to notice. If you take the time you actually DO HAVE (if you'll let yourself realize that) and slow down a little, I think you'll find that people and things actually come to you. You don't always have to seek them.
If you actually take the time to sit in the arboretum and do your reading during a break, you might actually get to SEE the ebb and flow of classes. See how empty campus can be even at 2 in the afternoon if it's the right time, and see how the sidewalks are suddenly innudated again.

A lot of my classes this semester are about seeing. Seeing from the perspective of a writer, a reader, and a photographer. My journalism professor is encouraging us to look at things in new ways. He says we tend to "tune out" the things in our lives that we see everyday and thus take for granted.

And he's right.

To the people who don't try because they think trying is beneath them:

I have something to say.
If you're making excuses and not trying because you think the stuff you have to do is bullshit or stupid or pointless, here's some news:

There will ALWAYS be bullshit in your life. There will ALWAYS be a situation you don't like. There will ALWAYS be things you don't want to do because you think they are stupid.

Newsflash.
It DOES NOT stop in high school. College has bullshit too. It's forever and ever and ever. It's part of living in society. Maybe it's part of being human. You have to put up with bullshit.

Waiting around for high school to be over...waiting for "when things actually start to matter" is actually bullshit in itself. And an attitude like that only makes you look stupid, and no one will ever give you an ounce of respect.
In fact, if you have an attitude like that, God help you. Because chances are NOTHING will ever be important enough to matter to you. When the things you thought you'd care about roll around, you'll probably start to see the bullshit and give up once again. Go you.

Trying is not beneath you. You have to put up with the bullshit to get to the important stuff. And more importantly, you have to put up with the bullshit in order get high enough to actually CHANGE the system (so don't use that as an excuse either).

Point: You're not better than everyone else. Get over yourself. Suck it up and give a damn.

But I can't make you learn this. You've gotta get it yourself. I just hope you don't wake up to realize it too late.

It feels like home to me..

This is something I wrote at camp this summer, maybe editted and added to, maybe not.



Home.
A simple word with a not-so-simple meaning.
Freshman year we had to write a poem about where we were from. I thought I understood it then, but looking back, I know there's no way I could have. I thought I knew what mattered...what made me me. But I didn't really understand. I hadn't experienced enough, lived enough to have gained the insight that allowed me to fully comprehend what the word home actually meant. The full meaning. I didn't understand that home can be more that one place (and that maybe...it doesn't have to be a place at all)--that where you are from doesn't just come from every place you've ever been and every "significant" experience you've ever had...it comes from the places and things and parts of you that have something more. That stick.

So. What is home? It's not just the place you live, obviously. But I also don't think it's just that corny "Home is where the people you love are," either. Because some people aren't lucky enough for that (After all, love is an extraordinary blessing, and having someone to love YOU isn't something you're just granted. Do you realize that?) And you can have people who love you who aren't in the same place you are. The bond that holds you together transcends both distance and time. It's not phsyical, so maybe the bond itself is a type of home...?

So maybe it's not "Home is where your heart is" but I think it's something close to that.
I've had many homes. My first house, which I don't remember much. My childhood home. This house, which I lived in shortest and in which I feel I've grown up most. IU. Forest West 227, more specifially. But other spots where I've made memories, too. Hopefully my apartment, soon. CYO camp, now. Maybe some parts of Perry Meridian High School...the Focus room, the swim team locker room. Those might sound strange, but it's true, I think. My friends' houses. Magic Forest. Random spots along the way that other people might just glance over, but which mean a lot to me.

I don't think it matters how long it's been there--for a home, I mean. I think it's more about HOW it's been there. How it shaped you and how you grew and the impact that it had..now matter what the thing is you're considering "home."
Home is like the backdrop to the drama our lives play out...and for that reason, you don't often notice how much it matters until it's gone.

So maybe you can be at home anywhere. And anything has the potential to be "home" (I know that this has a tinge of the hipster-"Everything is art, man"-vibe. Try to look past it)
Maybe the simplest way I can say it is this: Home is the places you let in. Let matter. Trust/love enough to leave a little of yourself.

To be cheesier: Home isn't where the heart IS exactly, it's the places you leave your heart.
And I'll leave you there. :)

Brand New Day

It's been a journey, and today I fell off the bus.
I'm not sure how what I'm about to type will come out...usually I kinda have these things planned out...usually they're something I've been wanting to say for a long time. Maybe this is something I've been wanting to say for a long time, and I just didn't know it. I'm going to say it anyway, and let it be as it is.
Or delete it tomorrow, whatever.

Today I had a weepy day. For me, at least, when I haven't cried in a certain amount of time, a blow up is inevitable. It never used to be long before it happened...in fact, I got to a point last year and senior year where I felt like I was just continually breaking down. A mess. But something happened this summer...and I'm not really sure what. But I know it's different. I've assumed more of the "listener" role. I don't always need to be the one talking. And I don't need to always be the one breaking down. I can listen and console and pretend to be the strong one even when I'm actually breaking down myself. It's this strange turn inward with a new ability of holding things in and handling them quietly. Less selfish, more selfless. It's healthy.
That was a complete tangent, but one I felt was necessary.
Anyway, I haven't broken down in a long time. But today..I just couldn't. And of course, The Notebook was on. It's like TV Guide times its airing perfectly with my sad days. Incredible, really. I almost didn't have a choice.

First love.
First real love.
I was thinking about it today as I tried not to cry in my car. (And as I try not to cry now) When was yours? You should KNOW. It should jump to your mind immediately, and there should be no doubt. If you don't KNOW, then you probably haven't experienced it yet. At least not love to its greatest potential.
I used to think my story was special. That it was something worth telling. Some epic saga of ups and downs and complications few could understand. But (as I was thinking about it in my car, driving home from The Time Traveler's Wife and choking out the words to Miss Delaney by myself) I realized that it's not unique. Sure, it's special to ME. It will always be that way...always have meaning. But I'm not the only one.
Overcoming first love.
Overcoming first love is HARD. But it always is. The journey is different for every traveler that finds himself there, but it's just as hard on a personal level. Maybe we all deal with it differently, but I think that if it's that first REAL love. Real, IT. That it's just as hopelessly twisted in one big throbbing knot of hurt and complications, and you have to sort it out.
For some it takes longer than others, perhaps. But it's still the same rubiks cube. Prodigy and dunce alike.

I went to the track to run out my emotions. Contrary to what every runner in the world ever has ever said (I am NOT a runner) I like running on the track. Even though it's endless circles of the same thing, I like knowing how far I've gone and how far there is left before I can stop (I bet that says something really deep about my personality, huh?) When I thought I was going to cry, I ran faster. When I thought I was going to die, I slowed down. This song came on my ipod.

--It's a brand new day
The sun is shining
It's a brand new day
For the first time
In such a long, long time
I know
I'll be ok--

And you know...that's how I feel. Truly. I hit a speed bump today. I was sad. I acted on it. I'm going to have more days like that. But I'm still looking ahead, and I finally (finally FINALLY) feel GOOD about where I am. I'm excited to see what's to come. I feel deep down it's going to be something really good for me.
Maybe I've sorted out my rubiks cube after all...
But how should I know? I've nothing to base it off.

(I'm going to stop now. But as a sidenote..This all makes me wonder if this is just the kind of person I am. The kind that has trouble letting go and getting angry and moving on. Or if it was the situation. Or...And it makes me wonder. If THIS is the kind of thing I choose to write about..what exactly is my...blogging...personality? More on that later. Maybe.)

We live on front porches and swing life away..

I'm in the mood to atone for my past.
I want to do something that scares me every day. I want to not take life as seriously. I want to be less worried about what other people think and just go with my gut.

And all of that is fine, and it's good, and that's where I am. But what about this:
It's good to want to fix your past mistakes, but what if your past mistakes just want you to leave them alone and let them move on with their lives?
I think a lot of times we're more self-centered than we realize. Even in the times we think we're being LEAST self-centered. Sometimes I think it's those times when we can be the most hurtful.
We think--and when I say "we" here, I'm mostly saying "I"--that other people's lives hinge on our own person. That when you hurt someone or burn a bridge or make the executive choice to move on from someone or some situation, they are eternally hurt or confused by the power your just exerted. And that when you finally have some perspective and can come back, cool and calm, mature and ready to make amends, they should see the great favor you are bestowing upon them and be happy.
But they don't have to accept your olive branch...and sometimes, just the very presence of you trying to rehash old issues does more harm and brings more pain than if you had just stayed out in the first place.
So where do we draw the line...? How do we decide when we have the RESPONSIBILITY to take action and when we just have to accept the damage that has been done and actually do something BETTER by just leaving it and walking away?

Sometimes, I guess I just realized...Sometimes forgiveness, apology is more about YOU than the other person. And something--making amends--that we normally consider a GOOD thing can actually be far more painful than doing nothing at all.

Sadly, I think this question has been more relevant to my life lately..I've needed a lot of forgiving.
This kinda came out of nowhere..but I think that's sometimes how I stumble upon my greatest truths.
I want to write something about home and how I've changed...I'm getting there, too.

There's always someone cooler than you.

I've changed a lot this summer.
Camp has changed me a lot. I can't sum it all up now. There's too much in the way of personality. But I think the biggest change has come in an attitude.

I don't believe in mistakes anymore. I'm just after experiences. The rest, I've come to believe, will fall in to place.

I don't know how permanent these changes are--camp world and real world are radically different--but for now, this is where I am.

More to come later.
One week left. Bring it on. Soak it up.

You can't save everyone.

I've been writing a lot at camp.

I haven't forgotten this, but it's basically a black hole of technology there, so I've been writing things out and will post...when I can.

It's an entirely different world...one I don't know that I can fully explain yet. I'm learning a lot about myself and a lot about life and I'm seeing things in a whole new way. Just...being away from everything...cut off and forced away...and becoming part of this...community. A community like I've never experienced before. It's...awe inspiring. Also running around all day outside, being a role model/being thought of as cool, and not caring what you look like...It's...yeah, I can't quite put it into words yet.

I'll just say it's one of the hardest and most amazing things I've ever, ever done.

Anyway, this is something I wrote while at camp.
I'm actually kind of proud of it.

Love is unconditional. It is watning something for someone else and wanting nothing in return. Nothing for yourself. Love is hoping someone else is happy even if it means you are not. Offering yourself up on a platter--everything you have and everything you are--putting it out there, throwing it all down on the table and not needing to hear anything back.
Maybe there are different types of love or different levels of love but I think truly--at the very core of them all--is this total and complete sacrifice of self. It's the only true gift a person can give or offer. And you can't just grasp it by saying this or reading it or even understanding it. Knowing this fact comes hard-earned. You have to reach this conclusion yourself before you can embrace it truly. Love is sacrifice. Love is unconditional. Learning is the journey. The personal journey. Like faith. But once you know it--it's one of the greatest and birghtest truths there is.

My titles don't related to what I have to say.

All humans make mistakes.
But the thing is, no matter how bad they seem, we can almost always overcome them.
I was thinking this today in the shower. No, I don't know why.
It's not the mistake ITSELF that has the power to destroy you--it's YOU. It's the inability to confront it, own it, and accept it as something you did. Reconcile it with who you are. Take it in and make it something that makes you stronger. And let it go. Move on.

I think I have a problem with that last part. Letting go. Moving on. I let my mistakes haunt me. It's hard for me not to constantly let it wash over me, pushing me down and down. To not get feeling hopeless and stuck and like nothing will ever be normal again. I've learned lately that if it's something I chose to do, I have to be ok with it. And I have to be ok with myself for making that choice, even if I've come to see it was the wrong one. I still fall into the trap sometimes, though...of blamign myself. And that's what does a hell of a lot more damage.
But I think some people must have a problem with the confronting, owning part too. Because if you just shove your mistakes under the rug, minimize them, or dissociate yourself from them, you can't really ever move on either...and worse, you're not getting the STRENGTH that comes with overcoming them. In fact, I think you're weaker for it.

I'm not saying you should just do whatever you want--hurt people, act immorally, whatever--and then just FORGIVE yourself for it without feeling remorse. Maybe it's coming off like that. I just mean...you can't let yourself slip into the endless cycle of blaming yourself and hating yourself when you end up somewhere you never thought you'd be.

I just think it's strange because it's so opposite of how we (or at least I..) think of mistakes in general. That what you do dictates where you end up. That's not true. It's what you DO with what you do...with the choices you make
The bottom line is this:
It's not your actions or your past or the choices you make that bring you down and do the damage, it's your ability to forgive yourself.
And if you can't find that ability...well, then I guess you've made the only real mistake you can make.

So much better...?

It's May.
This Friday, one year ago, I graduated.
A year ago I was finishing finals, passing out the senior issue, reveling in mini-o.
Preparing for summer, wondering about fall, and pretending June 2 did not exist.


The background of my computer is this picture that was take after graduation rehearsal.


Every time I open my laptop, it stares back at me.



And it reminds me just how far I've come in the past year. I think I've really grown up. And being away probably does that to you...having to take responsibility for everything. (Even if I'm not FULLY there, making money, worrying about rent, and even if there's a snadwhich place that takes meal points so I won't STARVE etc.) If I don't DO it, it doesn't happen.

I've opened myself up a lot. I think I'm more easy going.

Mostly...I think it's that I feel more like an adult. And the scary thing is, the reason is because I'm half way there. I've got one foot in the door.

I've lived with another person for a school year in one room. Spent, what, 30% of my time at a desk that so many people have used before me and so me people will use after me (which is weird to me, because it felt so intimately MINE. And in a few months it will be so throughly someone else's) And I'll probably never see her or that room again. Or the stairwell I spent much of November and December crying in on the phone to Erin, working through things. I won't sit there again.



I feel a billion years away from what I was.

I don't know if I even feel like the same person. And I don't think that's a bad thing. I've kept the parts I like, but I've improved and changed some of the others. And isn't that what life's about? A continual re-drafting of ourselves.

But...I like who I've become.

It's weird to be back in the same place. But sometimes that's the only way to compare where you were then with where you are now and to see how far you've come.

Whoa, two posts right away. Don't get used to this.

Isn't it ironic?

This isn't going to be bold and deep, but it is what it is. Sometimes life isn't bold and deep.

Here's what life is, and follow me here, this metaphor is going to be weak:

Life is having a phone. One you like, with which you are perfectly happy. All contacts in place. That goes sailing into a mug of hot chocolate.
So you go back to an old phone. That you liked. And you adjust. Get new contacts, get things in place. But just as you are, it falls of a shelf.
Stranded.
So you get a new one. And learn how to work its stupid backwards buttons, and get the contacts sorted out. And just as you're getting comfortable, right after a BIG turning point in your life...you turn it off. And, at the most critical moment, it won't turn back on again. Or really...it WILL turn back on again, but all it will do is play the opening music in a loop.

(I didn't even THROW it this time. It's all by itself.)

But here's life, right here: You've end up back with the original phone. In which you just deleted all the contacts and all the memories. 4. days. before.
With a voicemail.
And 5 text messages with no way to fix what they've thought.

And life is:

Planning a trip to Normal, Illinois. Only to have a broken down car and spend 7 hours in a village tow shop with a cat. Named Lucky.

Full circle, eh?

This isn't a pity party. I just can't shake the feeling that these things mean something more than just a cat and a phone. And I'm treading water trying to figure out some kind of deep meaning or lesson or reason WHY life works this--because they're just too perfectly disasterous to be anything but significant, right?
Maybe I can't know...maybe we can't know? Maybe it'll reveal itself somewhere down the road and all I can do is keep living until I feel that final click when everything snaps into place and it all makes sense and I realize it's all for a reason. I can't know.

I'm going under.
Drowning in Irony.

There really is life after marathon, rollercoaster love...

I think the people God puts in your life are there for a reason.
Maybe that's something cheesy or hyper-devout to say, but it's the recurring theme of my life right now.
They might not be there for forever, and they might not end up being what you expected, but they will serve the role they're meant to...Life is funny, and sometimes I think things turn out too perfectly. People fit in perfect pieces. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. Or maybe, as is human nature, I just tune out the pieces that don't fit and cope with the chaos by focusing on the things that do.
But I really do think people are there for a reason. Sometimes you just have to wait a little longer to figure it out.

This blog has become the total opposite of what I wanted. I'm in a funny place right now? Bleck.

Sham On

So I'm done trying to plan out my life.
Semester by Semester. Day by Day. Hour by Hour.

Cause guess what? It's completely pointless.
I do it because it gives me the feeling that I'm in control. But I've just come to realize that I'm not.
In reality, I have very little control.
I can make the choices I make in the moment, but having my future in a constant death grip does nothing but make me tired and make me ruin moments.

I could lie to you, but that'd only really be lying to myself. I tried to plan out every single course I'd take in college. Actually, I do it every semester. I can't help it. I just want to make SURE that I'll be able to do it all. Always ready. Constant vigilance.

Here's the real problem: I've been running around this whole time trying to fool myself into thinking that I KNEW what I was doing. So when a wrench finally got thrown into the plans, I was finally forced to come to a screeching halt--I do NOT know what I want to do with my life.
I just...didn't want to be one of those kids who comes to college and is UNDECIDED and just kind of floats around wasting time and money.
But, haha..that's really what I AM. I just had to see it. I still don't know how to figure it out.

I guess you just have to be flexible...learn to react and adjust. You can't plan EVERYTHING out, and really...there's no use trying. People survived and go on even after the unexpected. They live. I'm still not quite ready to accept that. Flexibility has never been my strength. Ask my mom. Or...anyone who's ever met me.

So basically I have no idea what I want/need to take next semester. And I can't even bring myself to LOOK at the book. It's entirely overwhleming. I foster the half-desire to just open it and take whatever sounds interesting. Random new subjects that might change my life...or something. But that I could never justify to myself. I think I want desperately to be that kid that does really well in high school and then just goes off somewhere and does something completely un-extraordianry but is extremely happy.

Here's another problem: I want to write. I want to be something big. I want to write, but I'm starting to wonder if I have what it takes. Because writers WRITE. They write their whole lives. You don't need a college degree to write. If I want to be a writer, I should be writing now (after all, life only gets more complicated from here...so I can't use the excuse that I'm too busy. It will never get less busy than this) But I can't. I haven't written like myself in a very long time. And I don't know if I have what it takes.
It's just hard to give up on a dream. I think that pretty much sums it all up.

It's too late.
No, don't you know...

It's been too late
for a long time.

He said to me, "Some things are only good once."

I really don't know why I do some of the things I do. Like what I'm doing now.
What am I doing now?


Jessie and I were talking (in Florida where we shared a room and stayed up way later than we meant to every night talking...what could we possibly even have to TALK that much about?)...we were talking about what we always talk about...or one of favorite things, anyway. How people are and what kind of people we are and why. Analyzing. And this is the truth we stumbled upon. For some reason, it's been haunting my brain ever since.

I'm always looking toward the next big thing.

I'm one of those people that has to look ahead, that has to have something to look forward to, always. I've discovered that the times when I don't have anything coming down the pipe are the times when I let myself get bogged down in the day-to-day...the times when I freak out and reach out and cry in the stairwell corner. Break down.

It's not a bad trait to have, this looking forward to things, in theory. But here's the part that gets me: I almost like the looking forward better than the actually BEING there. As soon as I get to the thing I'm looking forward to, I shift ahead and start looking forward to the next big thing. While we were IN Florida, I started talking about Ben Folds. After that, I almost immediately shifted to April 10. What's wrong with that? I don't know if I let myself fully ENJOY where I am at any given moment...soak it up and take it in and actually take the time to look around...because I'm so focused on what's next. Which makes me feel like a selfish little kid who's always wanting more despite what she already has.

I've always kind of thought anticipation was the best feeling. And disappointment the worst. I like looking forward to something, and I almost always feel a little bit of a let down once I'm there...maybe because I know that being there means it's coming to an end--there's nothing left to anticipate, and it means the streamers will come down and the balloons will start to slowly deflate and there won't be anything left soon.

It kind of correlates to living in the past, present, and future. And that scares me. Most of the time I think I live in the past. Or at least I used to. I always used to wish myself backward, reminisce, dwell on past hurt. And I still do, sometimes. But honestly, I think when I shifted a lot this summer, I started living for the future. I get through weeks now on promises and expectations. I plan. I wish days away. This is bad. I know this.

But what's it even LIKE to live completely in the moment? Can a person even do it? Is it all it's cracked up to be? Sometimes I feel like it's unrealistic. You have to have SOME kind of plan...and the past shapes you into who you are. And who's to say it's what you should strive for? Sometimes I feel like I'm living in the moment--concentrating only on what I'm doing RIGHT THEN. And it's not much different than getting caught up in the mundane drone of everyday...

But maybe...living in the present--TRULY--is like those little moments where I break through and feel like the world is exactly as it should be. Like driving with the top down in summer and blasting songs. Like a friend's familiar room with familiar songs and familiar talks. Like sitting on a porch swing wrapped up in a blanket with you and finding Orion's belt. Like Landed with the orchestra. Those moments. Maybe.

The one thought that keeps hammering my brain, that lurks behind everything I do and mocks everything I say:

You can't go back, you can't go back, you can't go back.

You told me you would never, never forget..

I've had that tip-of-the-tongue feeling for the last several days, and I can't shake it.

And I can't spit it out either.

I have things I feel like I want to say. And there are things I feel like I NEED to say, but everytime I come close to saying them, I can't find the words...I don't know how to say it right. Maybe I'm not ready to say it?

But here's some of the things that have been bouncing around in my head but just aren't quite well-formed enough to come out for real:

1. I'm drowning in memories. I don't know why. It's like my brain is trying to punish me...I keep thinking of things that I DO NOT want to think about...things that make me cringe and blush. Stupid things that happened or how things were or things I said...the moments that just make me want to pull an Alex Mack and turn into a blob and disappear. They're taking over my brain. And every time a thought comes up, my brain goes into panic mode. I mentally scream and try to drown it out and not think about it, but I can't. I wish I could just cut out those parts of my brain so I could SLEEP for once.

2. You are who you are. You are who you are, and you can't really change it. I mean...you have differenct facets and I guess you can CHOOSE to be someone else, but people will always see you how they want to, and you CAN'T control that. So you shouldn't try to be someone else. Or compare yourself to someone you can't be. Even if other people like them better.

3. I want to write a book. Two years ago, I don't think I could have admitted that to ANYONE. So I guess that's step. I know what I want it to be about. But I don't know exactly how it's going to work. And I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I have what it takes. When I think about it, it seriously makes my stomach drop. When I try to plan it, I get frustrated and tangled in the details. I know I'm not READY to write it yet...and I will only be able to do it when it comes. And I guess that's part of what's frustrating. It worries me, but I can't DO anything about it. I have some growing to do. If I can do it at all. It just scares me so much...that I've had this dream for so long and I don't know if it can ever really happen. I don't know HOW to write a book. I don't know HOW...to...It's like the difference between looking at art and painting a picture. I can analyze til the cows come home, but that doesn't mean I can actually CREATE something. ...And it's kind of what I'm basing a lot of my life on...Something I may or may not even be able to do. It...scares me beyond belief.

4. You were right. I still have a long way to go (even though I'm getting better). I AM doing better. I'm a different person than I've ever been, and it's good. But like you said (and yeah, I did get kind of mad...) I still have a lot to let go of. I just get SO SO SO ANGRY sometimes. And sometimes I forget how things actually are. Yep. The End.

...I really don't even know what I just said. All that up there? Yeah. I have no idea what I'm doing right now...my brain is cob-webby. I don't know. I'm going to stop until I'm more coherent...These were just thoughts that wouldn't leave me alone.

Happy March.

I found God on the corner of First and Amistad.

Tomorrow begins Lent.
(Well, actually Lent starts today, since it's after midnight, but whatever.)

Yes, it's a crazy Catholic thing.
But it's not, really.
I mean, it's not JUST a Catholic/religious thing.

Lent is about preparing and improving. For some people, it's a religious thing. But I don't think it necessarily HAS to be. I think the idea is more universal than that.
We all have room for improvement. And we all need a little life-evaluation every so often. It's so easy to get so caught up in the day-to-day that you forget. We all need that kind of refocusing every once in a while. To take a step back and redirect ourselves in the way we want to go.
Maybe to resolve to be more spontaneous. Or not to let the little things get you down. Or to do one thing that scares you every day. Or to finally take the steps to live out a dream.
If we don't look at our lives every once in a while, I think we get lost...bogged down, doing the same things over and over and not REALLY living at all.
It's about improvement. And that's how I look at it every year. It's not about sacrifice and making yourself miserable. It's about the challenge, and it's about striving to find weakesses and fill them.

This year I'm going to go to church every week. I haven't been...it's harder in college. So I think that's a good one.
I'm also going to limit my online time to 15 minutes a day. Because I waste more time than I should, and there are better things I can be doing.
Those are my main ones. But I'm also going to try to be more positive and take more risks...everyday is an opportunity. I want to make sure I take full advantage of it.

So. Here's to 40 days of improving. And here's to not letting it stop at just 40 days.
Let's start now.

Absolution.

I'm not quite bold enough to post this on Facebook...but I figured it'd be safe here where no one will see.
I'm a survey junkie.

10 things you wish you could say to 10 different people:

1. I hate you. You're stupid. There's so much you don't know. Good luck. I kind of hope it all bites you in the ass.
2. I wish you would call me more! I know I don't say it often (or at all..) but I really do value you in my life, and I'm glad we're closer now.
3. I think you've changed a lot. It makes me sad. And I don't think there's anything I can do about it.
4. I liked you. I never told you.
5. Our sincere talks are awesome. But sometimes I just can't be around you.
6. You sympathize with my crazy, and you're so fun. I can't wait for next year! And you should be more confident. Because you're awesome.
7. I can't believe some of the things you do/say. Seriously?
8. You're fantastic in every way. You make everything infinitely more fun/crazy. Thanks for picking me up off the ground during my worst. Love times forever.
9. ...There's way too much to say. But none of it would change anything. So I say nothing.
10. You're the only one that knows everything. You complement me perfectly. Don't know what I'd do without you. We're basically one person.

9 confessions to 9 different people:

1. No, I don't think you're cool. I think you make stupid choices, and I think you're going to regret them one day. Also, I've stopped caring.
2. There wasn't always a parent present.
3. I think you need to stop waiting for the perfect moment. It's never going to come. Reality.
4. I haven't told you everything. I feel really bad sometimes.
5. I think the way you treat boys is weird and nonsensical. In fact, I mock you for it often.
6. I looked through that stuff.
7. I don't actually agree with a lot of what you say. I think it's a little crazy.
8. You're one of my biggest sources for gossip. I think you're fake...in just about every way there is.
9. A lot of the things I make fun of you for....I'm just jealous. I wish I was more like you.

8 apologies to 8 different people:

1. I'm sorry I made you cry that one time.
2. I'm sorry I put you through such hell while refusing to listen to what you said and see the truth.
3. I'm sorry I can't be what you want me to be. And that I can't say what you want me to say. Not in a sarcastic way. I really am sorry.
4. I'm sorry we fight so much and so bad. We're a lot alike. I'm going to regret it deeply one day.
5. I'm sorry to all of you. But especially one of you, that was the worst. You don't know. And (I hope) you never will. I don't take it back but it was wrong and not like me. Karma's a bitch?
6. I'm sorry I can't love you all the time like I should. It's horrible. Maybe the worst.
7. I'm sorry. Because some of it WAS my fault. I just got a little crazy and ruined it sometimes.
8. I'm sorry I'm not a very good listener. And that I never let you speak.

7 things that cross my mind a lot:

1. SLEEP
2. Homework
3. Spring Break!
4. FOOD
5. The Future. Dum Dum Dum.
6. Grades
7. Home

6 things I do before I fall asleep:

1. PJ it up
2. Brush my teeth and floss
3. Wash my face
4. Check Facebook
5. Set an alarm/pick the song to wake up to
6. Read

5 people who mean a lot:

1. Mom
2. Dad
3. Bonny
4. Erin
5. Jessie

4 things I'm wearing right now:

1. NHS shirt.
2. Awesome crop-y sweatpants-y things I love.
3. Not-favorite underwear.
4. That's all. Ha.

3 Songs I listen to often:

1. The Show-Lenka
2. Gives You Hell-All-American Rejects
3. You Found Me-The Fray

2 things I want to do before I die:

1. Write a book.
2. Figure out what I'm supposed to do and do it.

1 thing a lot of people don't know about me:

1. I don't like to eat my cereal with milk.

Here comes the sun...do do do do...

I'm freaking out.
I'm freaking out because I'm not involved in enough stuff and because I feel like I'm not doing well in my classes and because I DON'T know how to make it better.

I'm even annoying myself.

So. Because I'm being such a butt today, I will make a list of all the things that make me happy:

• Spring-like days in February. Even if that comes with the volatile wind and rain. It's worth it.
• All the fresh fruit I have in my room. Raspberries rock my world.
• Spreadable swiss on wheat thins. I'm starting to seriously think it's the best thing in the WORLD.
• Spring Break. It's so soon. Florida. Sand. Warm. Ocean. It makes me smile just THINKING about it. Gosh! : )
• The fact that I cannot remember the last time I cried in the stairwell. And the general lack of late-night drama. No more emotional rollercoaster.
• My friends. Who love me even when I'm crazy. Which is a lot.
• My friends. When they're crazy and make me laugh. Especially...any time Tara or Erin speak.
• The apartment! We signed the lease and next year is going to be SO AWESOME! Real food, own room, awesome living room for girly movies! I'm excited.
• New songs on iTunes.
• Almost a month til my birthday! ANNNNND on my birthday, I'll be in Florida! :)
• Bear Naked Granola and Cinnamon Toast Crunch (as a dessert. No milk, ever, ew.) Oh my gosh, so so so good.
• In a few weeks, my mom is coming down, and we're going to Red Lobster for dinner! My favvvvvorite. Love!
• My summer job! You don't understand how VERY excited I am to work at camp! It's intimidating...but it will be such an adventure! Outside hiking, in the sun, playing games, working with kids...I smile.
• Clean sheets. Nothin' better.
• Having my big blue squishy pillow back! It's been so long since I've had it. Love.

Yeah. That does help. Whew.

:)

I put all the things from you in a box today.

Being home is strange.

I guess I haven't really felt it until now...maybe because before I was always home for a REASON or because other people were home too or because somehow I still felt like nothing had changed. But this time feels real.

Being away makes you see just how much things...and you...have changed.
Going to swim sectionals today was made me see it more. I can't believe it was only a year ago...it feels like more. That I was the one on deck, putting on my suit, nervous and excited at the national anthem, jumping at the blocks. Only a year ago that my dad and you were in the stands when I looked up. Only a year ago that it was over.

Maybe I'm stupid, but I feel endlessly older.

Being there just reinforced how very far removed from it I am now.
It made me realize that no matter how much you want to keep things how they are, sometimes you just outgrow it.
You can't keep it the way it was. I will never go to a high school football game and cheer and scream and eat Steak N Shake or Starbucks with friends after. I will never go in the locker room after a hard practice with the girls. I will never ride the bus home, or cheer at the end of the lane, or have that undefinable feeling of team closeness like before. I am not in high school, and that is not my team anymore, and that's something you can't get back.
It's sad, in a way. But not. Because there are new things to replace it.
It will always be that way.

Like coming home. It IS your home, but it's not the same. I come home to a couch that's not the same and a room and a bed that aren't REALLY mine. They live their lives every day without me here. And I live mine without them. I can always COME back, but I will never again live in this house like I used to. But new things will take its place.

That can apply to a lot of situations.

It's just strange.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly.

I've been thinking about people a lot lately. Mostly about our qualities. The good things about each individual...and our fatal flaws.
Today my English professor asked..."How much is your character your destiny?"
Interesting question.
...I'm not going to answer...
If you know me, you know I like to analyze things...especially myself. I don't know...I like to be in touch...I like to know how I'm feeling and who I am. And I think life calls for a little self evaluation every so often...a little check up and re-evaluation of who you actually are.
Now seems like a good time.
This is me:

The Good:
I'm not stupid.
This is by no means my best or most prominent trait. I'm quite aware that I'm NOT a genius, and I'm NOT fantastically gifted. But I know I'm not stupid. A lot of times I think that this so-called "good" is mostly a product of the fact that I hard work and care an absurd amount...and most of it probably is. But I think I have some naturally occurring mental strengths. I've been told I'm a pretty good writer/comprehender, and I'm good at organizing and analyzing. So. I'm not stupid.

I don't give up.
I think this is my best (and worst?) trait. I don't give up on anything. Ever. It goes along with the working hard thing...I drive myself hard. I just don't like to quit...even when it gets hard or bad. I forgive people easily, and I'm willing to give everyone a second chance. And a third and infinity, usually...even if they don't deserve it. It's a good thing...and it could allow me to be great...but I sometimes let it drive me to the point where I get hurt.

I'm kind of funny?
Or so I'm told. Once you get to know me? People either really like my sarcasm or think I'm really mean. I guess you take what you get.

I'd do ANYTHING for the people I love.
I know this one is really cliche, but I absolutely, 100% mean it. For the people I REALLY care about--the select few--I would do anything to make them happy. Even if that means I don't get exactly what I want. I let people in pretty easily, and if I'm going to give you a part of my heart, I'm going to give it 100%. No holding back. If you have a part of me, you have it, all the way. For the ones that do, I will be there. In the middle of the night, to talk, to drive to where you are, you have me. The number might not be huge, but I'm loyal to the ones I love.

I'm strong.
I don't always act like it...I sometimes fall apart and lose it. But...despite it all, I think I'm a strong person. I can make it through the hard things, and I always bounce back. Maybe I just haven't been tested enough to know I'm not. But I think with the really big things, I prevail.

The Bad:
I'm not paitent.
I do NOT like to wait, and I get easily frustrated and antsy when I'm not enjoying whatever I'm doing. I talk over people, I rush through things, I make rash decisions. I throw things. I have a horrible, horrible temper that is embarassing and which most of you (unless you've lived with me or are member of my family) have probably not seen. Lucky.

I can be extremely self absorbed and selfish.
Are those the same thing? When I'm upset, I inflict it upon my friends and family. I CANNOT seem to internalize my feelings and DEAL WITH THEM MYSELF. I ALWAYS put more poor friends through hell in the form of a crying, hysterical phone call or by listing everything on my mind. And you know what? I don't stop to LISTEN to them nearly enough. I'm a brat, pretty much.

I'm anxious.
I do let the little things get to me more than I should and more than I care to say. I freak out unnecessarily...and I've always been that way. And I always realize with time that it was not as bad as I made it...which leads me to....

I do not learn my lesson.
This is probably the worst of the bad. It's a bad trait...not to learn from mistakes. Really it's more like I don't listen to what other people tell me. I have to learn on my own. I can't grasp the lesson until I learn it myself and until I'm ready to accept it.

The Ugly:
So. This is the worst. My fatal flaw.
I think too much.
I overanalyze everything. I think things into situations that don't actually exist, and I get worked up over things that aren't real. I worry all the time. I make to-do lists...I'm obsessed with post-its. But worse than that...I let things get in to my head, and I push too hard. I can't let anything go. I push until there's nothing left and it's all ruined. And I let it all happen in my head.


I don't know...that's just how I see myself. You might be reading this and think I'm absolutely, completely, way off mark...because that's not how you see me at all or that's not how I exist outside my head.
Isn't it funny, though, how what I consider my best good is also what I consider my worst flaw?
I wonder how true that is for everyone.
Anyway.

This is a picture of me.

This is where I run out of words to describe how I'm so damn hurt.

Four. Three. Two. One. I'm letting you go...

I've been thinking about doing this for a long time.
So...here I am.

You know...I've missed writing. Not the writing I do now. Something that isn't quite fufilled while spilling my thoughts out on the similarities and differences between Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights. Or by writing random thoughts and ideas and lyrics and whatever else is in my head in a book (journal? Cringe.) by my desk that only I see. I am no longer satisfied with compartmentalizing everything I feel and all the things I want to say into the generic little burst that is the Facebook status.
I have things to say.
And I think I'm ready to start saying them out loud. Even if nobody is listening. Or despite whoever is.
So. I'm not going to try to be deep and intellectual and inspirational or whatever else. I'm just going to write. Freely. For myself.

I have changed a lot. I just realized this recently...sometimes seeing yourself in a situation you once knew can show you how far you've come. I mean...obviously I changed a lot in high school...but that's not what I mean. Being home over Christmas showed me how much I've changed even since August. But I think the root of it lies in summer. I had a lot of time to reflect on myself by myself. To analyze and evaluate...and let go.
I can see it sometimes now. I'm a lot more mature (or I like to think so...) I have more perspective on everything. More aware. Less...uptight. Less emotional mess. Less fragile. More positive. I'm happier than I was. I'm stronger.

What made the difference? I think it was just this: I learned to let go. I learned to let go of the little things and just relax (a lesson I admitedly don't always remember...) I learned to be by myself...and in that, I learned to be happy with myself. That was a big part of it, I think. And I learned to let go of the things that weren't helping me be where I wanted...or were hurting me...even if that was something I was choosing to ignore. And I think that was a big part too.

Letting go is a big part of renewal. And I've found that's it one of the hardest things for me to do. I'm one of those people that likes to hold on. I don't like to give up....on anything. Hold on too tight or when there's nothing left to hold on to just because holding on is familiar. It's habit. It's tradition. I like routine. I like safety, and I like the securing of KNOWING how things go.

Too bad. That's not how real life is. Sometimes you have to jump and not know where you're going to end up. It's part of it. Sometimes you HAVE to let go of things in order to move on and get where you're going.

I'm still working on it. Here are some things I still need to let go of. Or...some things of which I need to let go:

Perfection.
If I'm not doing things the best they could be, I feel like a failure. Or at least I feel like there's more I can strive to do. It's hard for me to come to terms with that. To let it go. But I need to realize that there IS good outside perfect. And that I can reward myself and look at experiences and find the VALUE in them outside the arbitrary system that tells me what is "good"

What people think.
This is probably one for a lot of people. And what I'm going to say will probably be easier said than done. But a lot of times I censor myself and worry excessively about what they'll think. Like...when I post a status or something stupid. I evaluate myself based on what I think they're thinking. And that's really stupid. I want to be secure enough with myself that I can just PUT IT OUT THERE and take whatever comes back. I think I'm getting there in some ways...but need work on others. Something like emotional detachment.

My Mistakes.
I've made a lot of mistakes. There are a lot of memories that haunt me and that I torture myself with. The past. But none of that is real NOW. There are some things I will never know. There are things I can't change. Even if I could, I probably wouldn't. But it's not good to hate myself for it. It's ok to forgive myself and let it all go...And that's what I need.

Ok, so I thought of one more big one.
The Image I have of Myself.
I have this idea of WHO I am and who I SHOULD be...based on who I was or how I thought I should turn out. And I feel bad about the parts that don't fit in the cookie cutter mold I've made for myself. Point blank: I have to accept the things I ACTUALLY am and let go of the things I label myself. It is what it is.

The End.