Call me crazy.

(I have no idea where this is going. I haven't really thought much about it.)

So, so often I find myself pausing. Standing in the middle of the sidewalk or in a room full of people, thinking...How the hell did I get here?

It's that moment where you look around at the place or the people and look back on every single choice you've made that's brought you to that point and you get so confused because it's not at all where you imagined you'd be or how your life would go and it doesn't at all fit in with the elaborate imagine you've constructed of yourself for yourself.

More often than not, it's more like...How the hell did I get here again?

I seem to find myself back at the same crossroads over and over and over. Despite what I think I've "learned" or the steadfast dedication I (apparently) had to never, never do (insert thing here) again. Despite whatever pain or frustration it casused me before.
It makes me wonder. Am I destined to continually follow the same ridiculous circle path--even when I can't really see the end and think it leads somewhere else? Am I even making sense right now? I don't think I am.

I continually make the same decisions, even when I should know better. I put off that paper. I go out on Saturday night. I stay up late. I have that argument. I put myself out there.
And I continually reap the same consequences. I am stressed. I am sick. I am tired. I ruin relationships. I get hurt.

Someone told me once (or maybe it was a quote) that the definition of crazy is doing the same things over and over and expecting different conquences, and it made me squirm a bit. Because honestly? I knew that was me.

I think that not learning from your mistakes is one of the worst things you can do...whether is be because you're too stubborn to pick up the pride or just too stupid to see it (though the second gets a little reprieve...until they DO realize it. Then if they ignore it, it's worse. Sadly, that's me.)

It's like...stagnation vs. dynamism. Like... the contrast of realtionships in Wuthering Heights (only not.) The same stale cycle of over and over and over vs. having the strength to break out in one bold, all-in move.

But how do you do that? I mean. How do you learn? How many times should you try before you have to conclude that nothing is changing? You don't want to give up too easily. Before you're brought to the absolute precipice and change is essential to survival?

Just call me crazy.