You told me you would never, never forget..

I've had that tip-of-the-tongue feeling for the last several days, and I can't shake it.

And I can't spit it out either.

I have things I feel like I want to say. And there are things I feel like I NEED to say, but everytime I come close to saying them, I can't find the words...I don't know how to say it right. Maybe I'm not ready to say it?

But here's some of the things that have been bouncing around in my head but just aren't quite well-formed enough to come out for real:

1. I'm drowning in memories. I don't know why. It's like my brain is trying to punish me...I keep thinking of things that I DO NOT want to think about...things that make me cringe and blush. Stupid things that happened or how things were or things I said...the moments that just make me want to pull an Alex Mack and turn into a blob and disappear. They're taking over my brain. And every time a thought comes up, my brain goes into panic mode. I mentally scream and try to drown it out and not think about it, but I can't. I wish I could just cut out those parts of my brain so I could SLEEP for once.

2. You are who you are. You are who you are, and you can't really change it. I mean...you have differenct facets and I guess you can CHOOSE to be someone else, but people will always see you how they want to, and you CAN'T control that. So you shouldn't try to be someone else. Or compare yourself to someone you can't be. Even if other people like them better.

3. I want to write a book. Two years ago, I don't think I could have admitted that to ANYONE. So I guess that's step. I know what I want it to be about. But I don't know exactly how it's going to work. And I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I have what it takes. When I think about it, it seriously makes my stomach drop. When I try to plan it, I get frustrated and tangled in the details. I know I'm not READY to write it yet...and I will only be able to do it when it comes. And I guess that's part of what's frustrating. It worries me, but I can't DO anything about it. I have some growing to do. If I can do it at all. It just scares me so much...that I've had this dream for so long and I don't know if it can ever really happen. I don't know HOW to write a book. I don't know HOW...to...It's like the difference between looking at art and painting a picture. I can analyze til the cows come home, but that doesn't mean I can actually CREATE something. ...And it's kind of what I'm basing a lot of my life on...Something I may or may not even be able to do. It...scares me beyond belief.

4. You were right. I still have a long way to go (even though I'm getting better). I AM doing better. I'm a different person than I've ever been, and it's good. But like you said (and yeah, I did get kind of mad...) I still have a lot to let go of. I just get SO SO SO ANGRY sometimes. And sometimes I forget how things actually are. Yep. The End.

...I really don't even know what I just said. All that up there? Yeah. I have no idea what I'm doing right now...my brain is cob-webby. I don't know. I'm going to stop until I'm more coherent...These were just thoughts that wouldn't leave me alone.

Happy March.