Four. Three. Two. One. I'm letting you go...

I've been thinking about doing this for a long time.
So...here I am.

You know...I've missed writing. Not the writing I do now. Something that isn't quite fufilled while spilling my thoughts out on the similarities and differences between Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights. Or by writing random thoughts and ideas and lyrics and whatever else is in my head in a book (journal? Cringe.) by my desk that only I see. I am no longer satisfied with compartmentalizing everything I feel and all the things I want to say into the generic little burst that is the Facebook status.
I have things to say.
And I think I'm ready to start saying them out loud. Even if nobody is listening. Or despite whoever is.
So. I'm not going to try to be deep and intellectual and inspirational or whatever else. I'm just going to write. Freely. For myself.

I have changed a lot. I just realized this recently...sometimes seeing yourself in a situation you once knew can show you how far you've come. I mean...obviously I changed a lot in high school...but that's not what I mean. Being home over Christmas showed me how much I've changed even since August. But I think the root of it lies in summer. I had a lot of time to reflect on myself by myself. To analyze and evaluate...and let go.
I can see it sometimes now. I'm a lot more mature (or I like to think so...) I have more perspective on everything. More aware. Less...uptight. Less emotional mess. Less fragile. More positive. I'm happier than I was. I'm stronger.

What made the difference? I think it was just this: I learned to let go. I learned to let go of the little things and just relax (a lesson I admitedly don't always remember...) I learned to be by myself...and in that, I learned to be happy with myself. That was a big part of it, I think. And I learned to let go of the things that weren't helping me be where I wanted...or were hurting me...even if that was something I was choosing to ignore. And I think that was a big part too.

Letting go is a big part of renewal. And I've found that's it one of the hardest things for me to do. I'm one of those people that likes to hold on. I don't like to give up....on anything. Hold on too tight or when there's nothing left to hold on to just because holding on is familiar. It's habit. It's tradition. I like routine. I like safety, and I like the securing of KNOWING how things go.

Too bad. That's not how real life is. Sometimes you have to jump and not know where you're going to end up. It's part of it. Sometimes you HAVE to let go of things in order to move on and get where you're going.

I'm still working on it. Here are some things I still need to let go of. Or...some things of which I need to let go:

Perfection.
If I'm not doing things the best they could be, I feel like a failure. Or at least I feel like there's more I can strive to do. It's hard for me to come to terms with that. To let it go. But I need to realize that there IS good outside perfect. And that I can reward myself and look at experiences and find the VALUE in them outside the arbitrary system that tells me what is "good"

What people think.
This is probably one for a lot of people. And what I'm going to say will probably be easier said than done. But a lot of times I censor myself and worry excessively about what they'll think. Like...when I post a status or something stupid. I evaluate myself based on what I think they're thinking. And that's really stupid. I want to be secure enough with myself that I can just PUT IT OUT THERE and take whatever comes back. I think I'm getting there in some ways...but need work on others. Something like emotional detachment.

My Mistakes.
I've made a lot of mistakes. There are a lot of memories that haunt me and that I torture myself with. The past. But none of that is real NOW. There are some things I will never know. There are things I can't change. Even if I could, I probably wouldn't. But it's not good to hate myself for it. It's ok to forgive myself and let it all go...And that's what I need.

Ok, so I thought of one more big one.
The Image I have of Myself.
I have this idea of WHO I am and who I SHOULD be...based on who I was or how I thought I should turn out. And I feel bad about the parts that don't fit in the cookie cutter mold I've made for myself. Point blank: I have to accept the things I ACTUALLY am and let go of the things I label myself. It is what it is.

The End.