Brand New Day

It's been a journey, and today I fell off the bus.
I'm not sure how what I'm about to type will come out...usually I kinda have these things planned out...usually they're something I've been wanting to say for a long time. Maybe this is something I've been wanting to say for a long time, and I just didn't know it. I'm going to say it anyway, and let it be as it is.
Or delete it tomorrow, whatever.

Today I had a weepy day. For me, at least, when I haven't cried in a certain amount of time, a blow up is inevitable. It never used to be long before it happened...in fact, I got to a point last year and senior year where I felt like I was just continually breaking down. A mess. But something happened this summer...and I'm not really sure what. But I know it's different. I've assumed more of the "listener" role. I don't always need to be the one talking. And I don't need to always be the one breaking down. I can listen and console and pretend to be the strong one even when I'm actually breaking down myself. It's this strange turn inward with a new ability of holding things in and handling them quietly. Less selfish, more selfless. It's healthy.
That was a complete tangent, but one I felt was necessary.
Anyway, I haven't broken down in a long time. But today..I just couldn't. And of course, The Notebook was on. It's like TV Guide times its airing perfectly with my sad days. Incredible, really. I almost didn't have a choice.

First love.
First real love.
I was thinking about it today as I tried not to cry in my car. (And as I try not to cry now) When was yours? You should KNOW. It should jump to your mind immediately, and there should be no doubt. If you don't KNOW, then you probably haven't experienced it yet. At least not love to its greatest potential.
I used to think my story was special. That it was something worth telling. Some epic saga of ups and downs and complications few could understand. But (as I was thinking about it in my car, driving home from The Time Traveler's Wife and choking out the words to Miss Delaney by myself) I realized that it's not unique. Sure, it's special to ME. It will always be that way...always have meaning. But I'm not the only one.
Overcoming first love.
Overcoming first love is HARD. But it always is. The journey is different for every traveler that finds himself there, but it's just as hard on a personal level. Maybe we all deal with it differently, but I think that if it's that first REAL love. Real, IT. That it's just as hopelessly twisted in one big throbbing knot of hurt and complications, and you have to sort it out.
For some it takes longer than others, perhaps. But it's still the same rubiks cube. Prodigy and dunce alike.

I went to the track to run out my emotions. Contrary to what every runner in the world ever has ever said (I am NOT a runner) I like running on the track. Even though it's endless circles of the same thing, I like knowing how far I've gone and how far there is left before I can stop (I bet that says something really deep about my personality, huh?) When I thought I was going to cry, I ran faster. When I thought I was going to die, I slowed down. This song came on my ipod.

--It's a brand new day
The sun is shining
It's a brand new day
For the first time
In such a long, long time
I know
I'll be ok--

And you know...that's how I feel. Truly. I hit a speed bump today. I was sad. I acted on it. I'm going to have more days like that. But I'm still looking ahead, and I finally (finally FINALLY) feel GOOD about where I am. I'm excited to see what's to come. I feel deep down it's going to be something really good for me.
Maybe I've sorted out my rubiks cube after all...
But how should I know? I've nothing to base it off.

(I'm going to stop now. But as a sidenote..This all makes me wonder if this is just the kind of person I am. The kind that has trouble letting go and getting angry and moving on. Or if it was the situation. Or...And it makes me wonder. If THIS is the kind of thing I choose to write about..what exactly is my...blogging...personality? More on that later. Maybe.)