There are boundaries you'd never dream to cross.

Day 13: Someone you wish could forgive you.

Dear someone I wish could forgive me,

You know what I just thought? Maybe I should be addressing these to the people they're meant to be for. But, nah, because they're already hard enough to write already. It's scary for me to click publish every time, and I always go back and read it again to make sure I wasn't too harsh or too...anything. Plus. People know.

Someone I wish could forgive me...Well. This might sound egotistical, but I kinda feel like I've done most of the not-forgiving in my life. Let me rephrase. I will forgive, and unlike some, I will forget. I really will. I will give you a second and third and 1000000 chance, even if you don't deserve it. If I want to keep you in my life. There sometimes comes a point where it's just too much and the cost outweighs the value and I get skwirmy, and I push people away. I don't really think that's not forgiving, though. It's just figuring something out. But I don't really feel like there have been too many people who have walked away from me. I feel like it goes both ways, and the important people have been able to forgive my big mistakes.

Of course, I've had lots of little mistakes. You know. The stupid things. But I think the people I love have looked past those...even if I never had the opportunity (or was too stubborn) to say I'm sorry.

There are people I could wish forgive me. One in particular. But I don't really think I did anything wrong. Saying sorry would really only be a way to smooth things over and make sure you stay right where I want you--in my life. But I do that too much with you already, and I don't want to say sorry. Because I'm not. I think if you looked at it from my perspective, you'd see. It's your thing. Not mine. I no longer feel responsible for it. But I do and will.

Other than that, I'll apologize to the people I think deserve it:
I'm sorry for spilling everything to you and for making you like a black hole for my problems and never listening to you. I was an emotional timebomb, and you were wonderful, and I was selfish.
I'm sorry for everything I have ever done that was breaking a rule or an expectation or for hurting you. Don't deserve it. At all.
Sorry for saying that one thing and that other thing and being a brat.
Sorry I did that to you and you and you and you etc. I wouldn't (and have not) liked it if someone else did that to me, and the amount of hurt I wielded in playing with fire is something I can understand now.
Sorry for acting crazy all the time. I mess(ed) it up, and I'm learning. I know what I'm doing.
Sorry for my biggest secret.

I wish you could all forgive me, but some of you will never even know I'm apologizing. I wonder what it'd be like to be forgiven of all those things, but in real life, sometimes we have to live with the sorrys.

Sorry sorry sorry,
Lala.