If I lay here. If I just lay here...

Day 7: An Ex.

Dear Ex,

I knew there'd be hard, awkward, weird-to-write-online letters in this series, and this is one of them. I don't know what to say because there's been a lot already said between the two of us. Face to face, on the phone, and in real letters. A lot in real letters, like the one I've written to you recently but which I won't send. You're welcome.

Hello. That's more than you've been saying to me lately, and I guess it's more than I expect you'll say to me for a while. I hate it, and it sucks, and it hurts me. It makes me sad. All I want to do is call you and text you infinity times, and write cryptic things everywhere, and remind you of our good times, and "accidently" skype you and make you remember that I'm here and that you like me, but I can't. Because I now realize that I can't make people love me. I can't control how people feel about me at all. There's nothing I can do but be what I am and let it go. If someone is supposed to be in my life, they'll be there in the end. And if you're supposed to be in my life, this won't stop you, and you'll come back eventually. I always did. I've always expected that you would. I guess I felt you'd be in my life always, in some way. I still do.

But I won't push. Maybe I was wrong, and maybe you're not the one that should be there in the end. And if not...well, maybe I just haven't seen it the right way yet.

I feel like where we are now is not that different from where we've been in the past, except the roles are reversed. And now I understand how you felt better than I ever, ever thought I could. You had a point then, but I just couldn't see it. Maybe you'll understand a little how I felt then. And have a little understanding...maybe.

The rest I want to say....well. I've said it before. And well. I can't really say it here, can I? This is already more honest than I thought I'd be. But you know...it's really eye-opening.

Please don't shut me out completely. Please don't make it forever. Here's hoping.

-Lauren.