I woke up with a beetle crawling up my arm and I'm a regular at a parking garage.

Day 12: Someone you don't talk to as much as you like.

I try not to look to far ahead on the list I use to write these. I feel like it's kinda cheating, but I also feel like it's ruining the surprise...I like to hold out and not know what I've got facing me, but I also like to have something to look forward to. But I always look ahead to the next day so I can start thinking and come up with something real, at least a little bit.

I looked ahead today. Because I wasn't sure who to write this to and I wanted to see who I'd write the rest to so that maybe I'd know. But in the end I decided to just write it and see what comes. It's all about doing what I want, anyway.

Dear someone I don't talk to as much as I like,

There are many people I could write this to, and all for different reasons. I could play up certain aspects, or take "talk" in a literal or figurative way, or whatever. But instead, I'll write it to you (even though I do talk to you, most of the time, and even though this is probably a phase, and even though NOT talking isn't an issue most of the time) because you're the one plaguing my mind, and you're clearly the one I actually want to write it to. So I'll actually just get to the writing.

I'm sad we haven't been talking. I feel...uh...lost? But I also feel a lot of different things. It's summer. We're both hella busy (yes, I just said hella). Things are changing? There are lots of excuses. Still, though. It hurts my feelings. I'm about to say things I haven't hinted at to you, so you might be surprised.

I know you probably need a break from me. I guess I'm starting to realize that I'm not the most low-key friend everybody has. That's fine. But I guess I feel kinda abandoned. I felt like I was really there for you (as much as I could be) last summer and this year and most any time you've needed me, but when I was going through a pretty shitty time myself, I felt like you weren't really there at all. I mean, I guess you could argue that yours was shittier, but still. I needed you.

You could also argue that I haven't been making the effort either. And you're right. But the reason for that is because I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one making an effort. Because I feel like you're more in demand than I am and you know it, and so you're cool with just letting me take the reins. And that doesn't always feel good to me. So I kinda decided to just sit back and let it happen. That's what I've been doing.

All of this isn't permanent, and I know I'll feel stupid in like 4.2 seconds because I always do, and everything will be back to what it was, but I guess I can't shake the feeling that things are different. I feel like you're living in this entirely different world high above me, and I honestly feel like I have no idea what's going on for you because you won't let me in.

The reason I haven't told you any of this is because I feel like part of the reason I don't know anything is because I'm too dramatic, make too big of a deal of everything and you're shutting me out (both?) because of that, or I hurt you in that, or you sense a change. Or something.

Bottom line: I need you, but I don't know how to say it. I miss how it used to be. I don't like waiting for it to be normal.

The end.