Day 7: An Ex.
Dear Ex,
I knew there'd be hard, awkward, weird-to-write-online letters in this series, and this is one of them. I don't know what to say because there's been a lot already said between the two of us. Face to face, on the phone, and in real letters. A lot in real letters, like the one I've written to you recently but which I won't send. You're welcome.
Hello. That's more than you've been saying to me lately, and I guess it's more than I expect you'll say to me for a while. I hate it, and it sucks, and it hurts me. It makes me sad. All I want to do is call you and text you infinity times, and write cryptic things everywhere, and remind you of our good times, and "accidently" skype you and make you remember that I'm here and that you like me, but I can't. Because I now realize that I can't make people love me. I can't control how people feel about me at all. There's nothing I can do but be what I am and let it go. If someone is supposed to be in my life, they'll be there in the end. And if you're supposed to be in my life, this won't stop you, and you'll come back eventually. I always did. I've always expected that you would. I guess I felt you'd be in my life always, in some way. I still do.
But I won't push. Maybe I was wrong, and maybe you're not the one that should be there in the end. And if not...well, maybe I just haven't seen it the right way yet.
I feel like where we are now is not that different from where we've been in the past, except the roles are reversed. And now I understand how you felt better than I ever, ever thought I could. You had a point then, but I just couldn't see it. Maybe you'll understand a little how I felt then. And have a little understanding...maybe.
The rest I want to say....well. I've said it before. And well. I can't really say it here, can I? This is already more honest than I thought I'd be. But you know...it's really eye-opening.
Please don't shut me out completely. Please don't make it forever. Here's hoping.
-Lauren.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Day 6: A Stranger.
Dear Stranger,
I've actually thought about this a lot. I think about it every time I'm walking on the street to work or on campus to class or at a stop light or in a restaurant or at the mall and I look up and take a second and look into your eyes. Whatever you're doing or thinking or however you're acting or whatever your mood or whoever you are, I always want to say one thing. Just one thing.
You're gonna be alright. We're all gonna be alright.
And send you little invisible signals of strength and that's it.
Love, Lauren.
Dear Stranger,
I've actually thought about this a lot. I think about it every time I'm walking on the street to work or on campus to class or at a stop light or in a restaurant or at the mall and I look up and take a second and look into your eyes. Whatever you're doing or thinking or however you're acting or whatever your mood or whoever you are, I always want to say one thing. Just one thing.
You're gonna be alright. We're all gonna be alright.
And send you little invisible signals of strength and that's it.
Love, Lauren.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I thought this one was today, and I kinda dreaded it.
Day 5: Dreams.
Dear Dreams,
I'm going to keep this one kinda short and maybe not-so-on-topic, because I came to a realization today and that's what I actually want to talk about. But come to think about it, maybe it is true what they say...inspiration only comes after writing itself. Smart.
Anyway, Dear Dreams...
You terrify me. Mostly because I'm scared that you're impossible. And I worry about it all the time, and I think I just end up running frantically in circles because of that. But it's like this song I have on a CD that I've been playing in my car: "Wouldn't you agree? Running always slows you down?"
Today I came to this realization (mostly about a completely different situation, but thinking about it now, I guess it relates a lot to my dreams). You know, the life I have planned in my head is not my life. And I really just need to learn to let go and let the life that is mine (or will be) come to me. There's nothing more I can do than what I CAN do (there's not NOTHING I can do; I can try my best and do everything I know to try to make it what I want...or think I want). And there IS a point, a line in the sand, where I just have to stop and let it ride. I can say all I want, but I can't make someone love me or the book get published or everything work out right. And maybe if I've said all I can and it's still not turning out the way I want, maybe I'm just not seeing it the right way. Maybe he's not the one or that's not my dream job or I'm not supposed to go abroad and I am supposed to have something I just. can't. see yet.
See, the thing is, things have always worked out, and I know that no matter what, even if nothing is what I think it will be from my naive, 20-year-old perspective right now, I KNOW I will be happy in the end. And really, that's the only dream I have.
Hey, maybe it's really like you said, and everything will be alright. Ah, thanks for that.
Love, Lauren.
Dear Dreams,
I'm going to keep this one kinda short and maybe not-so-on-topic, because I came to a realization today and that's what I actually want to talk about. But come to think about it, maybe it is true what they say...inspiration only comes after writing itself. Smart.
Anyway, Dear Dreams...
You terrify me. Mostly because I'm scared that you're impossible. And I worry about it all the time, and I think I just end up running frantically in circles because of that. But it's like this song I have on a CD that I've been playing in my car: "Wouldn't you agree? Running always slows you down?"
Today I came to this realization (mostly about a completely different situation, but thinking about it now, I guess it relates a lot to my dreams). You know, the life I have planned in my head is not my life. And I really just need to learn to let go and let the life that is mine (or will be) come to me. There's nothing more I can do than what I CAN do (there's not NOTHING I can do; I can try my best and do everything I know to try to make it what I want...or think I want). And there IS a point, a line in the sand, where I just have to stop and let it ride. I can say all I want, but I can't make someone love me or the book get published or everything work out right. And maybe if I've said all I can and it's still not turning out the way I want, maybe I'm just not seeing it the right way. Maybe he's not the one or that's not my dream job or I'm not supposed to go abroad and I am supposed to have something I just. can't. see yet.
See, the thing is, things have always worked out, and I know that no matter what, even if nothing is what I think it will be from my naive, 20-year-old perspective right now, I KNOW I will be happy in the end. And really, that's the only dream I have.
Hey, maybe it's really like you said, and everything will be alright. Ah, thanks for that.
Love, Lauren.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Not in the mood.
Day 4: Sibling
Dear Sibling,
We grew up fighting, pulling hair, scratching, locking each other (read: me locking you) in the chokey.
I'm so glad we've grown up. Because now I actually feel like we're in a good place. A place where you can call me crying and ask for advice, or where I can just walk into your (coughMYcough) room and lay on your bed and talk about nothing. You're the only one who can know what it's REALLY like, and you're the only one who knows all the memories, and you're the only one that shares that language with me. You're closer than any friend I have solely because of that stuff, and even though we still fight and annoy each other and disagree sometimes, we're sisters. No one can replace what you give. And you'll always be there, through everything. You'll be the maid of honor at my wedding, the aunt to my kids (if these things happen, and isn't it weird to think of us being old? Yes). My life wouldn't be the same without you.
The End.
Dear Sibling,
We grew up fighting, pulling hair, scratching, locking each other (read: me locking you) in the chokey.
I'm so glad we've grown up. Because now I actually feel like we're in a good place. A place where you can call me crying and ask for advice, or where I can just walk into your (coughMYcough) room and lay on your bed and talk about nothing. You're the only one who can know what it's REALLY like, and you're the only one who knows all the memories, and you're the only one that shares that language with me. You're closer than any friend I have solely because of that stuff, and even though we still fight and annoy each other and disagree sometimes, we're sisters. No one can replace what you give. And you'll always be there, through everything. You'll be the maid of honor at my wedding, the aunt to my kids (if these things happen, and isn't it weird to think of us being old? Yes). My life wouldn't be the same without you.
The End.
Monday, July 5, 2010
3
Day 3: Parents
Dear Parents,
You are great, and I am not always. Seriously, you're the best. I know I don't always tell you that, and you definitely get the brunt of my bad side. After all, who sees you at your worst more than the ones who love you the most? Because they have to love you no matter what. And you do. You do, and more than that. It's in the way you overreact and ground us from everything for a week and then come appologize and reduce it after an hour. Or how you embarass me by yelling at the boys across the field before church. Or how you bring me a candy bar even after I've said I don't want one just cause I'm in a bad mood. You see right through me, and you know everything about me before I even do it. But what can you expect? You've known me even before I knew me.
Really, you're the epitome of putting your kid first. You've sacrificed everything for me, and I know you always would if I needed it. Sports practices, vacations, camps. Money, time, driving back and forth. You've been to almost every game, competition, award ceremony. It's amazing. I'm terribly, terribly lucky to have such amazing support and love, and terribly, terribly unappreciative.
But it's not just that you've shown me love; you've also given me the discipline and tools I've needed to be able to step out on my own. You haven't handicapped me. Isn't that the goal of parenting? To do such a good job that your kids will eventually leave you? Even though I don't always open up, and even though our relationship isn't from the movies, and even though I have flaws, I couldn't imagine anything better. I see myself become more and more like each of you every day. And that's terrifying. But I just hope someday I can do half as good of a job as you have with my own kids. To give them memories of Easter egg hunts and Christmas trees, kickball coaching and apple orchards, makeovers and playing Little Mermaid. And to love them so well that they eventually leave and go do it themselves. Thanks.
Love, Lolo.
Dear Parents,
You are great, and I am not always. Seriously, you're the best. I know I don't always tell you that, and you definitely get the brunt of my bad side. After all, who sees you at your worst more than the ones who love you the most? Because they have to love you no matter what. And you do. You do, and more than that. It's in the way you overreact and ground us from everything for a week and then come appologize and reduce it after an hour. Or how you embarass me by yelling at the boys across the field before church. Or how you bring me a candy bar even after I've said I don't want one just cause I'm in a bad mood. You see right through me, and you know everything about me before I even do it. But what can you expect? You've known me even before I knew me.
Really, you're the epitome of putting your kid first. You've sacrificed everything for me, and I know you always would if I needed it. Sports practices, vacations, camps. Money, time, driving back and forth. You've been to almost every game, competition, award ceremony. It's amazing. I'm terribly, terribly lucky to have such amazing support and love, and terribly, terribly unappreciative.
But it's not just that you've shown me love; you've also given me the discipline and tools I've needed to be able to step out on my own. You haven't handicapped me. Isn't that the goal of parenting? To do such a good job that your kids will eventually leave you? Even though I don't always open up, and even though our relationship isn't from the movies, and even though I have flaws, I couldn't imagine anything better. I see myself become more and more like each of you every day. And that's terrifying. But I just hope someday I can do half as good of a job as you have with my own kids. To give them memories of Easter egg hunts and Christmas trees, kickball coaching and apple orchards, makeovers and playing Little Mermaid. And to love them so well that they eventually leave and go do it themselves. Thanks.
Love, Lolo.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Day 2: or, The 4th of July.
Day 2: Crush
Dear Crush:
I don't really know who I'm writing to with this one. I guess because I'm not really sure who my crush is. Or maybe I don't have one. It's probably that. And rather than just being vague and cryptic and leave you hanging, I'll tell you why.
It's because I have more-than-crushes. Nothing in my life right now could be considered a "crush" in the "I-like-you-but-we-haven't-talked-but-I-hope-something-happens-even-though-it's-far-fetched" sense. I haven't had that in a while.
And I don't really know where I'm going right now. So I can't really figure things out. I'm just kind of...waiting to figure it out. Not really in a position to have a crush, exactly. Maybe someday.
And, you know, just where I am right now, I don't know what I hope will happen. That's another thing I think is missing from the crush aspect. When you have a crush, you hope he'll notice you. You hope you'll get that 5 minutes by the locker, that dance at the party, that random text, I don't know, however crushes work when you get older. But really, I don't know what I hope.
I hope to be happy, and that's all I hope. So, crush, here's to that. Someday. Or maybe not.
Love, me.
PS: This was a bad letter. Oh well.
Dear Crush:
I don't really know who I'm writing to with this one. I guess because I'm not really sure who my crush is. Or maybe I don't have one. It's probably that. And rather than just being vague and cryptic and leave you hanging, I'll tell you why.
It's because I have more-than-crushes. Nothing in my life right now could be considered a "crush" in the "I-like-you-but-we-haven't-talked-but-I-hope-something-happens-even-though-it's-far-fetched" sense. I haven't had that in a while.
And I don't really know where I'm going right now. So I can't really figure things out. I'm just kind of...waiting to figure it out. Not really in a position to have a crush, exactly. Maybe someday.
And, you know, just where I am right now, I don't know what I hope will happen. That's another thing I think is missing from the crush aspect. When you have a crush, you hope he'll notice you. You hope you'll get that 5 minutes by the locker, that dance at the party, that random text, I don't know, however crushes work when you get older. But really, I don't know what I hope.
I hope to be happy, and that's all I hope. So, crush, here's to that. Someday. Or maybe not.
Love, me.
PS: This was a bad letter. Oh well.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Day 1.
So. I saw this somewhere, and if you know me, you'll know how into it I'd be. It's called the 30 Day Letter Challenge. You write one letter per day for 30 days. And...normally, I'd say that's a pretty big committment to something kinda trivial when I am so so busy and have so much else going on/that I could do. But, since I'm kind of in a place right now where I don't exactly know who I am or where I'm going, I figure it might give me some direction or perspective or something on my life. What's important? What lurks in the corners I haven't explored lately? Maybe most importantly, who will these letters be to? Ah, here it goes.
Day 1: Best Friend.
Dear Best Friend:
This isn't really a hard one to decide who to write to, but it is kind of a hard one to decide what to write. Mmm, but I don't think it'll be like this forever. I think it's just how it is right now.
You're my best friend. We've been through a lot a lot. And I thank you for it. I don't know what I would do without you....or how I'd have gotten through some of the stuff I did. You're pretty much the only person I feel I can just TALK to.. Without a filter...say how I really feel, be ugly, tell pretty much everything to. I think that's something special, the bond we have in that way. I don't know...we just GET each other. Or at least that's how I feel. I don't think there will ever be anything quite like that, at least for me. It might be different for you. And I think it's been kinda different lately. I mean, we've both been really busy, and there's been a lot of new beginnings and brand new endings in our lives and we're kinda on different pages right now. But I just feel like I don't really....GET you. I mean, I can't track things, I don't know what you think or what you're doing, I feel like kinda a constant...burden? Intrusion? on the life you're living. I feel like I've done something wrong or maybe you don't approve of how I'm steering my life right now or something...but I think you'd tell me if that was true. I guess I just feel a little lost right now, and I feel like you haven't really been in my orbit enough to be reachable. You're there for me all the time, though, so I guess I feel like I should take this one on on my own, and learn to just suck it up and be ok. Honestly, it hurts me a little, but only a little. I'm fine. Like I said, I get that we're busy and on different pages and focusing on new beginnings and things like that. I just worry that things have actually changed for real after college this year, and that the dynamic will be completely different when school starts again and lots of other people enter our lives. I kinda feel like it HAS changed.
But that's ok too. Things change. It's really not that big of a deal because you're still my best friend. And that sounds too simple and lame to counterbalance all the stuff I just said, but it's actually the only thing that's important, and it weighs more than anything else. I know it's just time and age and change, and I know it's just summer, and I know that it's all ok. For reals. The End.
Love,
Me.
Day 1: Best Friend.
Dear Best Friend:
This isn't really a hard one to decide who to write to, but it is kind of a hard one to decide what to write. Mmm, but I don't think it'll be like this forever. I think it's just how it is right now.
You're my best friend. We've been through a lot a lot. And I thank you for it. I don't know what I would do without you....or how I'd have gotten through some of the stuff I did. You're pretty much the only person I feel I can just TALK to.. Without a filter...say how I really feel, be ugly, tell pretty much everything to. I think that's something special, the bond we have in that way. I don't know...we just GET each other. Or at least that's how I feel. I don't think there will ever be anything quite like that, at least for me. It might be different for you. And I think it's been kinda different lately. I mean, we've both been really busy, and there's been a lot of new beginnings and brand new endings in our lives and we're kinda on different pages right now. But I just feel like I don't really....GET you. I mean, I can't track things, I don't know what you think or what you're doing, I feel like kinda a constant...burden? Intrusion? on the life you're living. I feel like I've done something wrong or maybe you don't approve of how I'm steering my life right now or something...but I think you'd tell me if that was true. I guess I just feel a little lost right now, and I feel like you haven't really been in my orbit enough to be reachable. You're there for me all the time, though, so I guess I feel like I should take this one on on my own, and learn to just suck it up and be ok. Honestly, it hurts me a little, but only a little. I'm fine. Like I said, I get that we're busy and on different pages and focusing on new beginnings and things like that. I just worry that things have actually changed for real after college this year, and that the dynamic will be completely different when school starts again and lots of other people enter our lives. I kinda feel like it HAS changed.
But that's ok too. Things change. It's really not that big of a deal because you're still my best friend. And that sounds too simple and lame to counterbalance all the stuff I just said, but it's actually the only thing that's important, and it weighs more than anything else. I know it's just time and age and change, and I know it's just summer, and I know that it's all ok. For reals. The End.
Love,
Me.
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