I hope that you see right through my walls

I think I might be having some kind of identity crisis.

(Also, I know it's been a long time since I've written anything here. I have a lot of thoughts. I don't really know why I haven't been putting them done SOMEwhere, but I think it has something to do with the rest of what I'm about to write and will be remedied, I hope, by the rest as well).

Well, I don't know who I am anymore, really, and I'm not sure why. It started this summer, and I'm just as confused now. I think it's two things.

One, I'm scared. I'm a senior. I don't really know what I want to do next year/forever. I'm watching the plans I thought I had crumble before my eyes--it kind of feels like sand through your fingers, if you need an image. That's fine, but what can replace it? I don't know yet. I try not to let this worry me too much because I WILL, ultimately, do SOMETHING. A job doesn't have to be a career. I will find happiness in my life. I do it all the time. But I'm scared (there, I said it.)

Another aspect of this senior-ness is the fact that I just can't bring myself to care as much. I think part of that is that I was in Bloomington for the summer and that I worked a lot in a school-like setting. Going to class the first day was SO HARD this time. I don't remember being this unenthusiastic...well, ever. How do I get excited? Will it just happen? Will I just adjust? I just want to rewind a semester and get some of that passion back. Sometimes I feel excited to DO things again, but I'm mostly, overwhlemingly underwhlemed.

The other part of the problem is that my confidence is shaken. I don't know how this happened either, believe me. The voices of failure are just creeping in more and more. Actually, I do know how I think this happened. I questioned myself a lot this summer. I realized I'm not the person I thought I was--a big revelation for someone who ruminates on the self as much as I do. Well, if I'm not that, what am I? And I don't think I liked what I saw other people see, if that makes sense.

Basically, the short version: I'm lost.

Lost isn't bad. It can be good, even beautiful. But here are my goals to get me a bit more unlost. (Disclaimer: Some of these are silly and not really totally 100% toward the purpose of getting me unlost...maybe just to control my life a bit).

1. Cook a new, real recipe per week.
This was something I tried to do this summer, and I'd like to continue. If there's a character building purpose here, I don't think I see it. But it's fun?

2. Keep running.
If you don't know, I'm training to run my first mini marathon. I'm also not the world's best runner. I did pretty well with my training plan this summer, and I need to keep it up...even when I get busy at school.

3. Get back to church. At least sometimes.
When I was last home, my mom asked me when the last time I'd been to church was. I had to ask her when the last time we all went together when I was home was. It was Easter. I think it's time to try a bit harder.

4. Be nicer.
This is part of what I discovered this summer. The person I thought I was isn't congruent with the person I am sometimes.
I need to think before I speak. I need to listen and not just talk, not interrupt. I need to stop cursing. I need to stop saying hateful, gossipy things. I need to consider other people's feelings more before I'm blunt without filter. I need to not take my stress out on others. I need to do better.

5. Here's the biggest one: Let. It. Go.
I have the biggest problem with letting it go, and I have a big problem with worrying about the little things. That paper or test isn't going to matter in 25 years. Probably not even in 5 years. Maybe not even in 1. It's not going to matter if I got 1 B or even 2.
Lauren, let it go. You know what is going to matter? The pictures you're not in, the memories you don't have. Let go. Live a little. Soak it all in.

If there's one promise to myself I think will help fix the lost, I think it's that one.

Let's go.

Reminisce, thinkin' bout the days we don't miss

This post is going to sound like those stupid quotes girls put all over Myspace and Facebook and quote websites about love/broken hearts/how boys suck. Fair warning. The sentiment, however, is real.

I think I should stop caring so much about people who don't care about me. Waiting on people who don't wait on me. Trying for people who don't try for me. Bending over backward for people who don't bend at all for me.

The problem is I don't think I should stop loving people who don't love me. Even if they don't, shouldn't I? Because everyone needs someone to care about them, and everyone deserves a chance. Always.

I've always heard you can love someone and not like them very much at the moment. (My mom has said that to me when she's been mad and I've asked her if she still loved me). I guess I just need to figure out where to draw that line.

Because, regardless of what anyone says, it's NOT fair to try and try and not be tried for in return. Not every action warrants reward, but I deserve more than that.

Thank you very much.

I'm still here, you know.

I've been gone for a long time, but it doesn't mean I haven't been thinking. I just haven't had much to say (well, actually, I haven't had any time to say it). And I'm not sure I even want to say it here anymore. But, I guess, the issue isn't just that. I haven't been writing at all, really. I've thought about it a few times, but I just can't bring myself to reach for the notebook. I guess I've been living in my head, mostly, and in the real world.

It's strange coming back to something. It always is. I feel the need to document everything and update everything, but really, too much has happened. I've changed a lot. Time is going fast, things are changing in rapid succession, and I'm not really sure where I am in any of it.

Being alone always does this to me. Every time a roommate goes home, I get like this. I like it sometimes, but it is really hard for me to be alone. I guess I've just always had entertainment. I like knowing people are there. But there's such value in being able to hear quiet, in standing on your own. I think it's something everyone must do once and enjoy. There are so many times in life when you WON'T be alone and wish you were. And really, I don't mean just sitting in an empty apartment. Sometimes you need to be alone. Just without anyone. You have to learn to live with the deafening silence in your head, the knowledge that the phone won't ring, and the knowledge that there is no one to snuggle with. And you have to get over it. I think everyone needs that because it's not healthy to always need someone. If you can't live alone with yourself, love yourself, then how can you expect anyone else to want to be with you too?

This summer is going to be different. I feel old. I know I'm only 21 years old and you're laughing as you read this. Seeing those graduates this weekend though, phew. When did all those years go by, and when did I get to be a senior in college? I don't know. And I don't really know what my next move is. I'm looking forward to this summer as a chance to live. To be with my roommates, my friends, to do silly things and to feel the summer night air and the just breathe for the first time in months. No pressure. But also, it's a chance to be on my own. I'm not going home, and I think I won't ever really go home the same way again. I am finally getting to be ok with being alone, and I'm excited (and scared) to learn to enjoy it.

Anyway, here are some goals I have this summer. I wanted to write them down, and I have no where else to put them.

1. Read. I want to read for fun again. I don't remember the last time I did that, and there's so much left I want to read.

2. Relax. This year was the hardest I've probably ever had/ever worked. I don't remember what it's like to be bored. To have nothing to do.

3. Learn to cook. I want to do more than pasta and chicken. I want to try new things and mess up. I'm going to do a recipe a week, at least something different.

4. Take care of myself. Sometimes I don't. There's always an excuse. I like taking care of other people first.

5. Paint. I genuinely like it, and I never do it when I'm busy.

6. Start being ok about things. Like, put some things in perspective. Learn not to be so uptight/crazy. Learn to be able to look back on the memories and not hate them.

7. Be a little crazy sometimes. It's only life, after all.

What a welcome back post, right? I'm not sure any of that make sense. But hey, it's only for me, anyway. Let's go, summer. I'm looking forward to it.

Neither here nor there.

Starting fresh.

Done.

Day 30: Your reflection in the mirror.

Dear my reflection in the mirror,

You're not a bad person. (I debated ending the letter right there). You'll get it right. Do the things you want to do. (You're never too old or too young. Don't let anything stand in the way). Find your passions and follow them, no matter how unrealistic (You'll never be happy if you're not doing it because you love it). Love the people you want to love, and don't run away from it. You are many wonderful things, and just because you're not what someone else is or maybe what you wish you were doesn't make what you are bad. Love who you are. That might be most important. Love yourself.

Love,
yourself.

Last day tomorrow.

Day 29: The person you want to tell everything to, but are too afraid.

Dear the person I want to tell everything to, but am too afraid,

I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you what I'm thinking all the time, all the time, and share everything with you and bounce it off you and have no holds barred, but we wouldn't be able to function if I did that. And so I don't. You'd hate me all the time. It's not that I don't share things with you, it's that I know you really well.

-me.

Both of my letters today will most likely be lame.

Day 28: Someone that changed your life.

Dear someone that changed my life,

This letter is hard because there are so many people I could write it to. Because I kinda feel like everyone in my life has kinda changed it in some way. Shaped the person I am. So maybe I'll just write little bits to everyone.

You came into my life at a time when I could've gone anywhere. And I credit you for a lot of the direction I decided to take. Whether that was just because of being in your class to begin with and the people who were there or actually you, it's still true. The lessons you taught me--to free myself of the worries and just be, to be passionate about something and to care, to laugh, to be creative (that that's ok)--all of it was exactly what I needed then. And I couldn't have gone on to become what I am now without that push. It was what made me settle in so that I could move on to focus on the other stuff later. I know it's cliche, but what you taught me stuck with me. I can't exactly quote things you'd say or anything or pin down exactly what I learned, but it was really about the experience as a whole. Without it, I don't know who I'd be. I know we aren't super super close and talk all the time, but for the reasons above, I'd probably list you among my greatest influences. I really can't quantify it in words, but I respect you and thank you.

You came into my life when I was ready, and not until then. You were diffferent. I knew you'd be more than a fleeting crush. And you were. Despite all the obstacles (gosh, can you remember the very beginning? How far away...) we got there. You taught me everything. Literally, everything ( please don't make me relive embarassing memories). How to be a good partner in a relationship, how to communicate, how to let go a little bit more, compromise, what I need and what others need. Through all the ups and downs of us, you taught me more than I ever thought. And you helped me learn about myself. You helped make me into the more confident, mature, and capable person that I am today. Looking back on things so far, I think you were one of the biggest turns in my life. One of the singlemost changing things. Without you happening, I'd be someone so, so completely different. A lot fo that change is wrapped up in you, and you and me, and everything we've been through together and apart. Thanks.

And you. You changed me too. Again, you came into my life when I wasn't expecting it at all. But probably when I needed it most. I didn't think I was ready, but you were the push I needed to find something good again. I didn't have the strength, but you did. And I needed it. Like I said before, without you happening, my life would be so, so radically different. You helped take me away from running in circles and show me something new. And in that, you showed me a new side of myself that I could never have discovered on my own. You helped show me how I could be a different person. How I could have good parts I never thought I could have before. Everyday, I think you make me better. Thank you.

There are so many more people I could talk about, but these three are big ones. Big turning points. Who I think have shaped me in ways I've only started to understand. Thanks for helping to make me who I am. Cause you really have.

Love,
Lauren.

I can write a great letter.

Day 27: The friendliest person you've ever known for only one day.

I am SO excited about this one because I can write a really good one this time. And I know exactly who I'm going to write to. And I've been looking forward to this one since the very beginning.

Dear the friendliest person I've ever known for only one day,

I wasn't ever expecting to meet you, and I wasn't ever expecting to have the conversation we did, but it's one of those memories I look back on and can't help but smile. I don't even know your name. But I think that's what makes it so beautiful to me.

I got on the plane after a 5-hour layover or something in Salt Lake. My seat was in the back, the very back, right next to you. A girl who looked about my age. We started the small talk that's customary with the person you're expected to share a small space with for several hours, but unlike the other conversations, we didn't stop talking. Where I expected to be reading after boarding and take-off, we kept talking. I didn't even pick up my book.

We talked about everything. Like teenage girls. I bet the people around us were mentally (or actually, I don't know because the back of the plane isn't exactly conducive to seeing...) rolling their eyes at the subjects we'd talk about and how excited we'd get about certain things. And probably how we were disturbing them.

I told you about my classes at IU, and you told me about yours at BYU in Idaho (that's right, isn't it? I'm pretty sure.) Where we were going (me to see a boy I hadn't seen in a long time, and never at his new home, you home for Thanksgiving with your family in San Diego, the first time you'd see your dogs since you'd left for school in August). I couldn't imagine going to school so far away. We talked about our lives, our families. What our schools were like, what our friends were like. Music we liked. I wish I could remember that band you told me I'd like. I'd really like to listen. As we flew, I got more nervous (because it was finally happening, because we were so close). We talked for the whole flight. It was longer than I thought. What, like 2-3 hours? 2? I'm not sure.

We landed, and we talked through the terminal. I was so jittery. I told you how stupid it was for me to be nervous, how I tried to find his face through the crowd at the top of the escalator. (Intimate things?) Then we were there. We said rushed goodbyes as you ran off to your family and your Thanksgiving and I ran into a hug and something I'd been waiting for. I didn't even ask your name.

One time, I tried to find you on Facebook. Just browsing. I don't know how I'd ever find you, but eh. I looked for curiousity. It's just such a surreal moment in my mind. Like the way the world works. Two strangers bumping into each other and sharing something transitory (in every sense), but sharing their lives, and then everything just fading away. We were so different and had so many things in common. But then we both walked away without really a second thought.

Well, I guess I'm giving it a second thought. Because it was just such a...moment that I feel like it has to mean something. Kinda one of those miracle moments, but not at a life-changing, drastic moment or anything. I guess it's just how the world works. But hey, just so you know, that moment meant a lot to me.

Thanks for the great conversation and for letting me in to your life even though you didn't know me. (And still don't, I guess, because you don't know my name either). And for making that plane ride better.

-Lauren Sedam (see? now you know it.)

Day 26: The last person you made a pinky promise to.

Dear the last person I made a pinky promise to,

I don't remember you. Or the promise. I'm sorry. I hope I kept it. Lindsay wanted to make a pinky promise to me the other night when I told her this one was coming up, but I told her no. I think that's kinda cheating. Maybe it was Gabe, long ago, during the reign of Team Evil. Or maybe it was sooner than that.

Anyway, Stamp It.

Love,
Me.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Day 25: A person you know is going through the worst of times.

Dear a person I know is going through the worst of times,

Hi. I hate to assume you're going through the "worst of times," because I realize I don't really know you outside of Internet life and a few brief encounters. But, well. I guess a few extra thoughts here and there don't really hurt, huh? So.

1. I'm sorry this is how your life turned out. I'm pretty sure it's not how you saw it. But sometimes life isn't how you imagine. And you just have to take it and run with it and stop telling everyone every little detail because it's actually really badly reflective of yourself (and you'd probably have a snotty retort for that, but I'm cool with it). Do what you want. Eh, maybe it's how I see things, but don't be afraid to let the guard down a bit and chill. You're strong, though, I think. And I know you'll be just fine.

2. You're just angsty. I don't (really. I DON'T) think your life is that bad. You can do this. Many people why worse off than you do much much more. I think you're just still looking for you.. I hope you find it. But you will. I just think it takes time. I kind of imagine it like that moment in Forrest Gump when Lt. Dan makes his peace with God and is swimming in the ocean with the clouds and sun. Like that. I hope you find that, and find happiness.

3. I really do feel for you. Because there is nothing anyone can say to make it better. To fix the pain you feel. And I'm sorry, it will dull, but it will probably never leave you. You've been dealt a lot of blows, I think. But you're kind of amazing to me (from a distance) at how you've taken it and the relatively normal, ok person you've become. In that, you really are an inspiration to me. I wish there was something I or anyone could say to make this better, but I think it's just another burden you'll have to figure out how to carry (and still be able to walk through the rest). I have faith, though. You're amazing, plain as that. Keep walkin.

Love, Lauren.

Who's actually reading this? Just the people I suspect, or...?

Day 24: The person that gave you your favorite memory.

Dear the person that gave me my favorite memory,

Of all the letters, I think I find this one most impossible to write. But I will attempt to do so anyway. I've been thinking about this one for weeks, trying to pin down one memory that is it, but I can't. It kinda breaks down into categories. A lot (or most) or them belong to either you or you, but of course, you'd know that. I remind you of them all the time. So. I'll just go with the ones that stand out, and write it to no one and everyone.

There was that time after I got my tonsils out and you gave me that clear plastic airplane that you could see the gears moving in when you moved it. That's one of my earliest ones. The magic forest, that one is a beautiful, golden sliver in my mind.
There's a that time (or a series of them) at the middle school and what sticks out is what different places in our lives we were at in all of them, but how they're always the same.
There's inflatable giraffes and fresh grapes (and jelly) and bath tubs and biscuits and gravy.
There's standing on the top of the swing set and screaming for ice cream and sitting in the top of a tree and platforms of peril.
There's waking up in pale sunlight and being with you and looking out as the sun rose over the mountains and everything else. And burritos, and Dairy Queen and walking the pier, an eating junk food and hugging close on the tight bed, and the arches in the park that glowed orange at night and thinking that it was finally here, and that it all stretched out before us.
There's long sleeve t-shirts and dirt and warm apples and hay and elephant ears and cider slushies.
There's bathroom dances and busted teeth.
There's waking up in the hot, sticky summer sunshine after staying up til 4 talking about mistaken stances on love and listening to the same songs over and over.
There's that time by the garage door over fall break before a football game and awkward exchanges and awkward dad and you'll never, never let me forget it. That's ok, because I'd never want to. This one might be my favorite. It really might. Or the apple one.
There's a long, dark night in June and feeling young and alive and free and a long movie that we loved that kept playing and never feeling closer to anyone.
There's a cold spring on the beach and serious talks and a shared jacket.
There's bounding into my room as the sun came up and jumping on my bed. My room all pale yellow. And telling me that you couldn't let your best friend feel like nothing.

Mmmm, there are a lot. I hope you know which ones are yours. And thanks. These are the things I write about, and the things that I look back and and feel that warm, happy glow. And, you know, the things that make me, me.

Love,
Lauren.

I will probably miss tomorrow's too..but I'll make it up.

Day 23: The last person you kissed.

Dear the last person I kissed,

Well. Here we are. When I started this, I wasn't sure how I'd feel about this letter. I guess I kind of started it because of you. Well, because of you and me and how you were making me see myself. And how my life felt kinda out of order.

But I'm glad that this is where we are as this letter comes around. We're in a good place. A great place. And we've worked really hard to be here together. It's taken sacrifice and adjustment and listening and talking and really digging in and figuring each other out. It doesn't seem like a good thing, cause people think relationships aren't good unless they come easily, naturally. But it is. Because in real life, relationships take work. And we're definitely stronger for it.

You weren't expected. At all. I never thought I was in the right place to be with someone new, and there you were. And suddenly, it wasn't quite so scary anymore. It almost wasn't a choice. But I guess that's how things are sometimes when they need to be; they just happen. But I'm glad that it did. You've taught me how to have a whole new kind of relationship. I don't know if that's necessarily good or bad, but it was needed. You've let me see how I am in a different way, date in a different way, interact in a different way, make less of the same mistakes and make msitakes in a different way.

We've been through a lot, but whatever happens, know that I needed this relationship. And I needed you. I needed you to challenge me in ways I haven't yet been challenged, to make me experience things I have not yet experienced, and to teach me skills for future relationships that I have not yet mastered. (The memories, the good times, the connection...that's all bonus, I guess...) No matter what happens in the future (because, as we say, if/when we break up...) it's been worth it.

So. Here's to our last kiss. To all the times we've spent together, good and bad. And here, hopefully, is to our next.

Love,
The name in the dust.

PS: At first I thought we'd be real low key and chill, but you kinda evolved, huh? Well. I think that's for the best. What needed to happen. But, just so you know, when I look back on our time together (all whopping 4 months of it, I know...) I only think of the fun stuff.

Day 22: Someone you want to give a second chance.

Dear someone I want to give a second chance to,

I've kinda touched on this subject before, I guess, but I'll do it again.

For almost everyone, I will give you a second chance. I'll give you a third. I'll give you as many as it takes. I will. Maybe I'm naive, maybe I'm stupid, maybe I trust too much, maybe I'll get hurt. But I still do it. I don't really know why I do it (sitting here thinking about it...), but I think it's just because I believe that people deserve second chances. Nobody is all bad. People make mistakes. They regret them. I like to give them a chance to redeem themself and stay in my life. I have no problem with forgive and forget.

Of course, there does come a point where, for myself, I have to stop it. Because I can't just let myself be abused, and I can't let someone who is poisonous take over my life. So. I guess then, I do cut people out. (I feel bad about the ones that've gone that way, though.)

I don't know. I guess it's all about timing. The timing of where you are in your life with where I am in mine. You'll get your chance when everything falls into place. When you're ready, and I'm ready, it'll happen. Things will click. Or it won't, and we'll drift apart. But of course, that's another letter.

For now, though, it's all in the past. If you want to, we'll start fresh. I mean, that's what I'm thinking now, at least. And I guess my message here, for all of you, is that I'm here. I'm not saying things will go back to wherever we'd left them before the first chance ran out, but we can start working on it. I'm here, and the chance is out on the table. Whenever you're ready.

Maybe that's not a good thing, ultimately, or a good way to be, I guess...but I don't know myself any other way.

Ready when you are,
-Lauren

While my blueberry muffins are in the oven...

Day 21: Someone you judged by their (his/her) first impression.

Dear someone I judged by his/her first impression,

I really did. I thought I had you down. I really didn't even give it a second thought. You were the person I met freshman year, and I never looked back. But then I did, and I saw how much you've changed. Every day I'm amazed by that journey. I love learning more about it, what turns you took, who shaped you, how you changed. And who you were before, back then, when I thought I knew you. Because, obviously, people are too complex to truly understand at first impression. I question whether I truly know anyone at all.

Every day you surprise me (is that the correct every day? everyday? everyday is an adjective or adverb, right?). You literally amaze me every day (I think that is right because every modifies day and everyday is like an everyday occurance. I've learned this many times and if I were less lazy I'd look it up. But this is my blog, my rules.). By how deep your thoughts are, what you think about life and death and people and issues, your talents, your dreams. God, you're talented. I don't even think you realize it anymore. But when you play for me, I can't help but be capitvated. The way your mind works.... It's not at all like mine, and that's good. I think that's part of the draw. My drive to understand you, the way you think, really get in there and understand everything about who you are as a person. You're so much more complex than you let on, so quiet...so...inside yourself? And that interests me. I feel like I've never really known you at all, and every time is just like scratching the surface. And I never get bored.

I didn't look back the first time because I thought I had you pegged. From freshman year to freshman year. But I'm glad I did. Because it's been infinitely worth it.

Love love,
Lauren

#2

Day 20: (Wow, Day 20!) The person who broke your heart the hardest.

Dear the person who broke my heart the hardest,

Please refer to letter #12.

Love,
Me.

Not really in the mood for this tonight.

On a not-related-to-letters note, I think that sometimes when people say they really like something, (as in...personality, a hat, etc.) sometimes it's just because that thing is SUPER prominent/potent, and they don't actually know HOW to react but just feel that they should. They don't know how they feel, so they say they like it. It might actually be something that really bothers them, but they haven't had time to figure that out yet. Or maybe they have and they're lying. Just a thought.

Now.

Day 19: Someone who pesters your mind (good or bad).

Dear someone who pesters my mind (good or bad),

This is probably about the epitome of you, and I've told you that many times. There's just a lot of memories, and a lot triggers it. It's hard to shake. Hmm. What else is there to say? I hope you're well. That's my thought of you today.

-Lauren

Today will be tomorrow.

It already is tomorrow, but I just thought I'd let you know. I'll catch up with a day of two of the letters I don't wanna write the most. Now you're intrigued.

Day 18: The person you wish you could be.

Dear the person I wish I could be,

I've thought about this one, and I guess there's a lot I could type here. How the person I want to be scares me. How I'm afraid I'll never get to be that person. That maybe it's impossible. Who the person I want to be is. How she treats other people. How she loves. What she believes. Who she lets in. What she achieves.

I could go in to all that, and tell you all exactly who I want to be, but I'm not really sure of it because it only really boils down to this: The person I want to be is happy.

That's it. That's all I want. I'm not sure yet in what form that will come. Marriage, writing, editing, working at a grocery store, being a great friend, I don't know. I don't care.

So. Person I want to be, instead of getting trapped in my flaws and hyperventilating about my failures, I will look forward to you. Because I know that in the end, I will be happy. No matter what.

Love,
Lauren.

Day 17: A person from your childhood.

Dear a person from my childhood,

Being a kid is funny. All it takes to be friends is back yards that connect or living across the street, a mutual love of catching fish and crawdads, playing N64 and dress up, being invited to each other's birthday parties and sometimes vacations.

Being an adult (I use the term losely. I guess I mean being older. 16, 17, 18, 30.) is different. We think more. We judge more. We disqualify more. I'm not sure why.

I think it's just a part of growing up. Back then, it was all about fun and conveinence and learning. Learning not only how to do things, but things like how to socialize and how to care about other people and how to make it work. It's like learning how to share. And also, in that, I think you probably begin to learn who you are and who other people really are, and it becomes more complicated than just being back yard neighbors. You develop into you and sometimes that doesn't click with the them your best friend is growing up to be.

But that's ok. It's how it goes. Sometimes it works that you got lucky and guessed right to someone that ultimately developed to be like you, but other times you just have to be thankful for tree climbing and ice-cream-man -creaming and slip-n-sliding and lemonade-standing.

And I am. Thanks for being the best friends any kid could've asked for. Thanks for playing into my imagination, running wild with me, sharing secrets, helping me not be bored after school, coming to my birthday parties, seeing the ocean for the first time with me, planting silk flowers in the ground, phone calls, secrets, clubs, scrapes, teaching me how to be a friend, growing up with me, and helping me figure out the person I was to become.

We might be really different (or, you know, not even that much), and we might've gone different ways, but you helped make my childhood as happy as it was, and I couldn't think of a way to make it any better.

Thanks.
Lauren.

Day 16: Someone not in your state/country.

Dear someone not in my state/country,

Oh my gosh, I've been waiting to write this letter since the very beginning because I know exactly who to write to and exactly what I'm going to say!!

I might me you more than the person I wrote the missing you letter to. But it won't be so long before I see you again. Well, actually, it's really kind of a constant missing. And it has been for a while now, huh? Since about four years ago when you left for school and our lives started being lived mainly apart. But you know, for us, I think that's actually what brought us closer. And I'm so glad. Because I'd be a lot less good without you. Anyway, I look forward to the few times during the year when we can really see each other. Hang out like the old times. Starbucks, tea and cookies, and inevitably ending up in your room talking about Manifred and Morgies and life and everything.

But I'm also proud of how close we stay during the times we are away, like right now. Even if we don't talk for a while, you're always there, and we do make each other a priority.

You're the best. Seriously. You're like...a genuinely wonderful person, and your flaws are so, so miniscule in comparison to how caring and sweet and...fight-for-others you are. I really don't know what I'd do without you. So many times I've been so, so low and couldn't figure out how to pick myself up, and in all of those times, what really stands out is you. You bringing me a note when my grandma died, listening to me cry for God knows how many hours on the phone in the stairs, sending me packages, calling. I just wants you to know that those things do not go unnoticed. I probably don't tell you how much it all means to me enough, but it means so, so much. When I feel like I just can't take another step, or I feel like there's literally no one there. You're there. And you show it.

We've had our hard time (literally, singular.) and we got through it. We had to. I think you're one of those who are here to stay. And it made me realize that, I think. It made us stronger.

I know you probably think this letter is silly and mushy and that girly sound you make to make fun of things, but I really do think you need to hear it. Because we gloss over this stuff too much, and there's no way I tell you enough and sometimes we need to be serious. So. Suck it up.

You're the best. I'm so lucky to have you. We've really grown up together, and you bring the sunshine and the goofy and the random to my life. Being apart sucks, but I think we're pretty good at it. Because of that, all of that up there, I know you'll always be there for me, no matter how far apart we get in life. The same goes for me to you.

Plus, you'll always be home soon.

Looking forward to it,
Lauren