It's too late.
No, don't you know...

It's been too late
for a long time.

He said to me, "Some things are only good once."

I really don't know why I do some of the things I do. Like what I'm doing now.
What am I doing now?


Jessie and I were talking (in Florida where we shared a room and stayed up way later than we meant to every night talking...what could we possibly even have to TALK that much about?)...we were talking about what we always talk about...or one of favorite things, anyway. How people are and what kind of people we are and why. Analyzing. And this is the truth we stumbled upon. For some reason, it's been haunting my brain ever since.

I'm always looking toward the next big thing.

I'm one of those people that has to look ahead, that has to have something to look forward to, always. I've discovered that the times when I don't have anything coming down the pipe are the times when I let myself get bogged down in the day-to-day...the times when I freak out and reach out and cry in the stairwell corner. Break down.

It's not a bad trait to have, this looking forward to things, in theory. But here's the part that gets me: I almost like the looking forward better than the actually BEING there. As soon as I get to the thing I'm looking forward to, I shift ahead and start looking forward to the next big thing. While we were IN Florida, I started talking about Ben Folds. After that, I almost immediately shifted to April 10. What's wrong with that? I don't know if I let myself fully ENJOY where I am at any given moment...soak it up and take it in and actually take the time to look around...because I'm so focused on what's next. Which makes me feel like a selfish little kid who's always wanting more despite what she already has.

I've always kind of thought anticipation was the best feeling. And disappointment the worst. I like looking forward to something, and I almost always feel a little bit of a let down once I'm there...maybe because I know that being there means it's coming to an end--there's nothing left to anticipate, and it means the streamers will come down and the balloons will start to slowly deflate and there won't be anything left soon.

It kind of correlates to living in the past, present, and future. And that scares me. Most of the time I think I live in the past. Or at least I used to. I always used to wish myself backward, reminisce, dwell on past hurt. And I still do, sometimes. But honestly, I think when I shifted a lot this summer, I started living for the future. I get through weeks now on promises and expectations. I plan. I wish days away. This is bad. I know this.

But what's it even LIKE to live completely in the moment? Can a person even do it? Is it all it's cracked up to be? Sometimes I feel like it's unrealistic. You have to have SOME kind of plan...and the past shapes you into who you are. And who's to say it's what you should strive for? Sometimes I feel like I'm living in the moment--concentrating only on what I'm doing RIGHT THEN. And it's not much different than getting caught up in the mundane drone of everyday...

But maybe...living in the present--TRULY--is like those little moments where I break through and feel like the world is exactly as it should be. Like driving with the top down in summer and blasting songs. Like a friend's familiar room with familiar songs and familiar talks. Like sitting on a porch swing wrapped up in a blanket with you and finding Orion's belt. Like Landed with the orchestra. Those moments. Maybe.

The one thought that keeps hammering my brain, that lurks behind everything I do and mocks everything I say:

You can't go back, you can't go back, you can't go back.

You told me you would never, never forget..

I've had that tip-of-the-tongue feeling for the last several days, and I can't shake it.

And I can't spit it out either.

I have things I feel like I want to say. And there are things I feel like I NEED to say, but everytime I come close to saying them, I can't find the words...I don't know how to say it right. Maybe I'm not ready to say it?

But here's some of the things that have been bouncing around in my head but just aren't quite well-formed enough to come out for real:

1. I'm drowning in memories. I don't know why. It's like my brain is trying to punish me...I keep thinking of things that I DO NOT want to think about...things that make me cringe and blush. Stupid things that happened or how things were or things I said...the moments that just make me want to pull an Alex Mack and turn into a blob and disappear. They're taking over my brain. And every time a thought comes up, my brain goes into panic mode. I mentally scream and try to drown it out and not think about it, but I can't. I wish I could just cut out those parts of my brain so I could SLEEP for once.

2. You are who you are. You are who you are, and you can't really change it. I mean...you have differenct facets and I guess you can CHOOSE to be someone else, but people will always see you how they want to, and you CAN'T control that. So you shouldn't try to be someone else. Or compare yourself to someone you can't be. Even if other people like them better.

3. I want to write a book. Two years ago, I don't think I could have admitted that to ANYONE. So I guess that's step. I know what I want it to be about. But I don't know exactly how it's going to work. And I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I have what it takes. When I think about it, it seriously makes my stomach drop. When I try to plan it, I get frustrated and tangled in the details. I know I'm not READY to write it yet...and I will only be able to do it when it comes. And I guess that's part of what's frustrating. It worries me, but I can't DO anything about it. I have some growing to do. If I can do it at all. It just scares me so much...that I've had this dream for so long and I don't know if it can ever really happen. I don't know HOW to write a book. I don't know HOW...to...It's like the difference between looking at art and painting a picture. I can analyze til the cows come home, but that doesn't mean I can actually CREATE something. ...And it's kind of what I'm basing a lot of my life on...Something I may or may not even be able to do. It...scares me beyond belief.

4. You were right. I still have a long way to go (even though I'm getting better). I AM doing better. I'm a different person than I've ever been, and it's good. But like you said (and yeah, I did get kind of mad...) I still have a lot to let go of. I just get SO SO SO ANGRY sometimes. And sometimes I forget how things actually are. Yep. The End.

...I really don't even know what I just said. All that up there? Yeah. I have no idea what I'm doing right now...my brain is cob-webby. I don't know. I'm going to stop until I'm more coherent...These were just thoughts that wouldn't leave me alone.

Happy March.

I found God on the corner of First and Amistad.

Tomorrow begins Lent.
(Well, actually Lent starts today, since it's after midnight, but whatever.)

Yes, it's a crazy Catholic thing.
But it's not, really.
I mean, it's not JUST a Catholic/religious thing.

Lent is about preparing and improving. For some people, it's a religious thing. But I don't think it necessarily HAS to be. I think the idea is more universal than that.
We all have room for improvement. And we all need a little life-evaluation every so often. It's so easy to get so caught up in the day-to-day that you forget. We all need that kind of refocusing every once in a while. To take a step back and redirect ourselves in the way we want to go.
Maybe to resolve to be more spontaneous. Or not to let the little things get you down. Or to do one thing that scares you every day. Or to finally take the steps to live out a dream.
If we don't look at our lives every once in a while, I think we get lost...bogged down, doing the same things over and over and not REALLY living at all.
It's about improvement. And that's how I look at it every year. It's not about sacrifice and making yourself miserable. It's about the challenge, and it's about striving to find weakesses and fill them.

This year I'm going to go to church every week. I haven't been...it's harder in college. So I think that's a good one.
I'm also going to limit my online time to 15 minutes a day. Because I waste more time than I should, and there are better things I can be doing.
Those are my main ones. But I'm also going to try to be more positive and take more risks...everyday is an opportunity. I want to make sure I take full advantage of it.

So. Here's to 40 days of improving. And here's to not letting it stop at just 40 days.
Let's start now.

Absolution.

I'm not quite bold enough to post this on Facebook...but I figured it'd be safe here where no one will see.
I'm a survey junkie.

10 things you wish you could say to 10 different people:

1. I hate you. You're stupid. There's so much you don't know. Good luck. I kind of hope it all bites you in the ass.
2. I wish you would call me more! I know I don't say it often (or at all..) but I really do value you in my life, and I'm glad we're closer now.
3. I think you've changed a lot. It makes me sad. And I don't think there's anything I can do about it.
4. I liked you. I never told you.
5. Our sincere talks are awesome. But sometimes I just can't be around you.
6. You sympathize with my crazy, and you're so fun. I can't wait for next year! And you should be more confident. Because you're awesome.
7. I can't believe some of the things you do/say. Seriously?
8. You're fantastic in every way. You make everything infinitely more fun/crazy. Thanks for picking me up off the ground during my worst. Love times forever.
9. ...There's way too much to say. But none of it would change anything. So I say nothing.
10. You're the only one that knows everything. You complement me perfectly. Don't know what I'd do without you. We're basically one person.

9 confessions to 9 different people:

1. No, I don't think you're cool. I think you make stupid choices, and I think you're going to regret them one day. Also, I've stopped caring.
2. There wasn't always a parent present.
3. I think you need to stop waiting for the perfect moment. It's never going to come. Reality.
4. I haven't told you everything. I feel really bad sometimes.
5. I think the way you treat boys is weird and nonsensical. In fact, I mock you for it often.
6. I looked through that stuff.
7. I don't actually agree with a lot of what you say. I think it's a little crazy.
8. You're one of my biggest sources for gossip. I think you're fake...in just about every way there is.
9. A lot of the things I make fun of you for....I'm just jealous. I wish I was more like you.

8 apologies to 8 different people:

1. I'm sorry I made you cry that one time.
2. I'm sorry I put you through such hell while refusing to listen to what you said and see the truth.
3. I'm sorry I can't be what you want me to be. And that I can't say what you want me to say. Not in a sarcastic way. I really am sorry.
4. I'm sorry we fight so much and so bad. We're a lot alike. I'm going to regret it deeply one day.
5. I'm sorry to all of you. But especially one of you, that was the worst. You don't know. And (I hope) you never will. I don't take it back but it was wrong and not like me. Karma's a bitch?
6. I'm sorry I can't love you all the time like I should. It's horrible. Maybe the worst.
7. I'm sorry. Because some of it WAS my fault. I just got a little crazy and ruined it sometimes.
8. I'm sorry I'm not a very good listener. And that I never let you speak.

7 things that cross my mind a lot:

1. SLEEP
2. Homework
3. Spring Break!
4. FOOD
5. The Future. Dum Dum Dum.
6. Grades
7. Home

6 things I do before I fall asleep:

1. PJ it up
2. Brush my teeth and floss
3. Wash my face
4. Check Facebook
5. Set an alarm/pick the song to wake up to
6. Read

5 people who mean a lot:

1. Mom
2. Dad
3. Bonny
4. Erin
5. Jessie

4 things I'm wearing right now:

1. NHS shirt.
2. Awesome crop-y sweatpants-y things I love.
3. Not-favorite underwear.
4. That's all. Ha.

3 Songs I listen to often:

1. The Show-Lenka
2. Gives You Hell-All-American Rejects
3. You Found Me-The Fray

2 things I want to do before I die:

1. Write a book.
2. Figure out what I'm supposed to do and do it.

1 thing a lot of people don't know about me:

1. I don't like to eat my cereal with milk.

Here comes the sun...do do do do...

I'm freaking out.
I'm freaking out because I'm not involved in enough stuff and because I feel like I'm not doing well in my classes and because I DON'T know how to make it better.

I'm even annoying myself.

So. Because I'm being such a butt today, I will make a list of all the things that make me happy:

• Spring-like days in February. Even if that comes with the volatile wind and rain. It's worth it.
• All the fresh fruit I have in my room. Raspberries rock my world.
• Spreadable swiss on wheat thins. I'm starting to seriously think it's the best thing in the WORLD.
• Spring Break. It's so soon. Florida. Sand. Warm. Ocean. It makes me smile just THINKING about it. Gosh! : )
• The fact that I cannot remember the last time I cried in the stairwell. And the general lack of late-night drama. No more emotional rollercoaster.
• My friends. Who love me even when I'm crazy. Which is a lot.
• My friends. When they're crazy and make me laugh. Especially...any time Tara or Erin speak.
• The apartment! We signed the lease and next year is going to be SO AWESOME! Real food, own room, awesome living room for girly movies! I'm excited.
• New songs on iTunes.
• Almost a month til my birthday! ANNNNND on my birthday, I'll be in Florida! :)
• Bear Naked Granola and Cinnamon Toast Crunch (as a dessert. No milk, ever, ew.) Oh my gosh, so so so good.
• In a few weeks, my mom is coming down, and we're going to Red Lobster for dinner! My favvvvvorite. Love!
• My summer job! You don't understand how VERY excited I am to work at camp! It's intimidating...but it will be such an adventure! Outside hiking, in the sun, playing games, working with kids...I smile.
• Clean sheets. Nothin' better.
• Having my big blue squishy pillow back! It's been so long since I've had it. Love.

Yeah. That does help. Whew.

:)