I'm still here, you know.

I've been gone for a long time, but it doesn't mean I haven't been thinking. I just haven't had much to say (well, actually, I haven't had any time to say it). And I'm not sure I even want to say it here anymore. But, I guess, the issue isn't just that. I haven't been writing at all, really. I've thought about it a few times, but I just can't bring myself to reach for the notebook. I guess I've been living in my head, mostly, and in the real world.

It's strange coming back to something. It always is. I feel the need to document everything and update everything, but really, too much has happened. I've changed a lot. Time is going fast, things are changing in rapid succession, and I'm not really sure where I am in any of it.

Being alone always does this to me. Every time a roommate goes home, I get like this. I like it sometimes, but it is really hard for me to be alone. I guess I've just always had entertainment. I like knowing people are there. But there's such value in being able to hear quiet, in standing on your own. I think it's something everyone must do once and enjoy. There are so many times in life when you WON'T be alone and wish you were. And really, I don't mean just sitting in an empty apartment. Sometimes you need to be alone. Just without anyone. You have to learn to live with the deafening silence in your head, the knowledge that the phone won't ring, and the knowledge that there is no one to snuggle with. And you have to get over it. I think everyone needs that because it's not healthy to always need someone. If you can't live alone with yourself, love yourself, then how can you expect anyone else to want to be with you too?

This summer is going to be different. I feel old. I know I'm only 21 years old and you're laughing as you read this. Seeing those graduates this weekend though, phew. When did all those years go by, and when did I get to be a senior in college? I don't know. And I don't really know what my next move is. I'm looking forward to this summer as a chance to live. To be with my roommates, my friends, to do silly things and to feel the summer night air and the just breathe for the first time in months. No pressure. But also, it's a chance to be on my own. I'm not going home, and I think I won't ever really go home the same way again. I am finally getting to be ok with being alone, and I'm excited (and scared) to learn to enjoy it.

Anyway, here are some goals I have this summer. I wanted to write them down, and I have no where else to put them.

1. Read. I want to read for fun again. I don't remember the last time I did that, and there's so much left I want to read.

2. Relax. This year was the hardest I've probably ever had/ever worked. I don't remember what it's like to be bored. To have nothing to do.

3. Learn to cook. I want to do more than pasta and chicken. I want to try new things and mess up. I'm going to do a recipe a week, at least something different.

4. Take care of myself. Sometimes I don't. There's always an excuse. I like taking care of other people first.

5. Paint. I genuinely like it, and I never do it when I'm busy.

6. Start being ok about things. Like, put some things in perspective. Learn not to be so uptight/crazy. Learn to be able to look back on the memories and not hate them.

7. Be a little crazy sometimes. It's only life, after all.

What a welcome back post, right? I'm not sure any of that make sense. But hey, it's only for me, anyway. Let's go, summer. I'm looking forward to it.