I hope that you see right through my walls

I think I might be having some kind of identity crisis.

(Also, I know it's been a long time since I've written anything here. I have a lot of thoughts. I don't really know why I haven't been putting them done SOMEwhere, but I think it has something to do with the rest of what I'm about to write and will be remedied, I hope, by the rest as well).

Well, I don't know who I am anymore, really, and I'm not sure why. It started this summer, and I'm just as confused now. I think it's two things.

One, I'm scared. I'm a senior. I don't really know what I want to do next year/forever. I'm watching the plans I thought I had crumble before my eyes--it kind of feels like sand through your fingers, if you need an image. That's fine, but what can replace it? I don't know yet. I try not to let this worry me too much because I WILL, ultimately, do SOMETHING. A job doesn't have to be a career. I will find happiness in my life. I do it all the time. But I'm scared (there, I said it.)

Another aspect of this senior-ness is the fact that I just can't bring myself to care as much. I think part of that is that I was in Bloomington for the summer and that I worked a lot in a school-like setting. Going to class the first day was SO HARD this time. I don't remember being this unenthusiastic...well, ever. How do I get excited? Will it just happen? Will I just adjust? I just want to rewind a semester and get some of that passion back. Sometimes I feel excited to DO things again, but I'm mostly, overwhlemingly underwhlemed.

The other part of the problem is that my confidence is shaken. I don't know how this happened either, believe me. The voices of failure are just creeping in more and more. Actually, I do know how I think this happened. I questioned myself a lot this summer. I realized I'm not the person I thought I was--a big revelation for someone who ruminates on the self as much as I do. Well, if I'm not that, what am I? And I don't think I liked what I saw other people see, if that makes sense.

Basically, the short version: I'm lost.

Lost isn't bad. It can be good, even beautiful. But here are my goals to get me a bit more unlost. (Disclaimer: Some of these are silly and not really totally 100% toward the purpose of getting me unlost...maybe just to control my life a bit).

1. Cook a new, real recipe per week.
This was something I tried to do this summer, and I'd like to continue. If there's a character building purpose here, I don't think I see it. But it's fun?

2. Keep running.
If you don't know, I'm training to run my first mini marathon. I'm also not the world's best runner. I did pretty well with my training plan this summer, and I need to keep it up...even when I get busy at school.

3. Get back to church. At least sometimes.
When I was last home, my mom asked me when the last time I'd been to church was. I had to ask her when the last time we all went together when I was home was. It was Easter. I think it's time to try a bit harder.

4. Be nicer.
This is part of what I discovered this summer. The person I thought I was isn't congruent with the person I am sometimes.
I need to think before I speak. I need to listen and not just talk, not interrupt. I need to stop cursing. I need to stop saying hateful, gossipy things. I need to consider other people's feelings more before I'm blunt without filter. I need to not take my stress out on others. I need to do better.

5. Here's the biggest one: Let. It. Go.
I have the biggest problem with letting it go, and I have a big problem with worrying about the little things. That paper or test isn't going to matter in 25 years. Probably not even in 5 years. Maybe not even in 1. It's not going to matter if I got 1 B or even 2.
Lauren, let it go. You know what is going to matter? The pictures you're not in, the memories you don't have. Let go. Live a little. Soak it all in.

If there's one promise to myself I think will help fix the lost, I think it's that one.

Let's go.

Reminisce, thinkin' bout the days we don't miss

This post is going to sound like those stupid quotes girls put all over Myspace and Facebook and quote websites about love/broken hearts/how boys suck. Fair warning. The sentiment, however, is real.

I think I should stop caring so much about people who don't care about me. Waiting on people who don't wait on me. Trying for people who don't try for me. Bending over backward for people who don't bend at all for me.

The problem is I don't think I should stop loving people who don't love me. Even if they don't, shouldn't I? Because everyone needs someone to care about them, and everyone deserves a chance. Always.

I've always heard you can love someone and not like them very much at the moment. (My mom has said that to me when she's been mad and I've asked her if she still loved me). I guess I just need to figure out where to draw that line.

Because, regardless of what anyone says, it's NOT fair to try and try and not be tried for in return. Not every action warrants reward, but I deserve more than that.

Thank you very much.

I'm still here, you know.

I've been gone for a long time, but it doesn't mean I haven't been thinking. I just haven't had much to say (well, actually, I haven't had any time to say it). And I'm not sure I even want to say it here anymore. But, I guess, the issue isn't just that. I haven't been writing at all, really. I've thought about it a few times, but I just can't bring myself to reach for the notebook. I guess I've been living in my head, mostly, and in the real world.

It's strange coming back to something. It always is. I feel the need to document everything and update everything, but really, too much has happened. I've changed a lot. Time is going fast, things are changing in rapid succession, and I'm not really sure where I am in any of it.

Being alone always does this to me. Every time a roommate goes home, I get like this. I like it sometimes, but it is really hard for me to be alone. I guess I've just always had entertainment. I like knowing people are there. But there's such value in being able to hear quiet, in standing on your own. I think it's something everyone must do once and enjoy. There are so many times in life when you WON'T be alone and wish you were. And really, I don't mean just sitting in an empty apartment. Sometimes you need to be alone. Just without anyone. You have to learn to live with the deafening silence in your head, the knowledge that the phone won't ring, and the knowledge that there is no one to snuggle with. And you have to get over it. I think everyone needs that because it's not healthy to always need someone. If you can't live alone with yourself, love yourself, then how can you expect anyone else to want to be with you too?

This summer is going to be different. I feel old. I know I'm only 21 years old and you're laughing as you read this. Seeing those graduates this weekend though, phew. When did all those years go by, and when did I get to be a senior in college? I don't know. And I don't really know what my next move is. I'm looking forward to this summer as a chance to live. To be with my roommates, my friends, to do silly things and to feel the summer night air and the just breathe for the first time in months. No pressure. But also, it's a chance to be on my own. I'm not going home, and I think I won't ever really go home the same way again. I am finally getting to be ok with being alone, and I'm excited (and scared) to learn to enjoy it.

Anyway, here are some goals I have this summer. I wanted to write them down, and I have no where else to put them.

1. Read. I want to read for fun again. I don't remember the last time I did that, and there's so much left I want to read.

2. Relax. This year was the hardest I've probably ever had/ever worked. I don't remember what it's like to be bored. To have nothing to do.

3. Learn to cook. I want to do more than pasta and chicken. I want to try new things and mess up. I'm going to do a recipe a week, at least something different.

4. Take care of myself. Sometimes I don't. There's always an excuse. I like taking care of other people first.

5. Paint. I genuinely like it, and I never do it when I'm busy.

6. Start being ok about things. Like, put some things in perspective. Learn not to be so uptight/crazy. Learn to be able to look back on the memories and not hate them.

7. Be a little crazy sometimes. It's only life, after all.

What a welcome back post, right? I'm not sure any of that make sense. But hey, it's only for me, anyway. Let's go, summer. I'm looking forward to it.