It's too late.
No, don't you know...

It's been too late
for a long time.

He said to me, "Some things are only good once."

I really don't know why I do some of the things I do. Like what I'm doing now.
What am I doing now?


Jessie and I were talking (in Florida where we shared a room and stayed up way later than we meant to every night talking...what could we possibly even have to TALK that much about?)...we were talking about what we always talk about...or one of favorite things, anyway. How people are and what kind of people we are and why. Analyzing. And this is the truth we stumbled upon. For some reason, it's been haunting my brain ever since.

I'm always looking toward the next big thing.

I'm one of those people that has to look ahead, that has to have something to look forward to, always. I've discovered that the times when I don't have anything coming down the pipe are the times when I let myself get bogged down in the day-to-day...the times when I freak out and reach out and cry in the stairwell corner. Break down.

It's not a bad trait to have, this looking forward to things, in theory. But here's the part that gets me: I almost like the looking forward better than the actually BEING there. As soon as I get to the thing I'm looking forward to, I shift ahead and start looking forward to the next big thing. While we were IN Florida, I started talking about Ben Folds. After that, I almost immediately shifted to April 10. What's wrong with that? I don't know if I let myself fully ENJOY where I am at any given moment...soak it up and take it in and actually take the time to look around...because I'm so focused on what's next. Which makes me feel like a selfish little kid who's always wanting more despite what she already has.

I've always kind of thought anticipation was the best feeling. And disappointment the worst. I like looking forward to something, and I almost always feel a little bit of a let down once I'm there...maybe because I know that being there means it's coming to an end--there's nothing left to anticipate, and it means the streamers will come down and the balloons will start to slowly deflate and there won't be anything left soon.

It kind of correlates to living in the past, present, and future. And that scares me. Most of the time I think I live in the past. Or at least I used to. I always used to wish myself backward, reminisce, dwell on past hurt. And I still do, sometimes. But honestly, I think when I shifted a lot this summer, I started living for the future. I get through weeks now on promises and expectations. I plan. I wish days away. This is bad. I know this.

But what's it even LIKE to live completely in the moment? Can a person even do it? Is it all it's cracked up to be? Sometimes I feel like it's unrealistic. You have to have SOME kind of plan...and the past shapes you into who you are. And who's to say it's what you should strive for? Sometimes I feel like I'm living in the moment--concentrating only on what I'm doing RIGHT THEN. And it's not much different than getting caught up in the mundane drone of everyday...

But maybe...living in the present--TRULY--is like those little moments where I break through and feel like the world is exactly as it should be. Like driving with the top down in summer and blasting songs. Like a friend's familiar room with familiar songs and familiar talks. Like sitting on a porch swing wrapped up in a blanket with you and finding Orion's belt. Like Landed with the orchestra. Those moments. Maybe.

The one thought that keeps hammering my brain, that lurks behind everything I do and mocks everything I say:

You can't go back, you can't go back, you can't go back.

You told me you would never, never forget..

I've had that tip-of-the-tongue feeling for the last several days, and I can't shake it.

And I can't spit it out either.

I have things I feel like I want to say. And there are things I feel like I NEED to say, but everytime I come close to saying them, I can't find the words...I don't know how to say it right. Maybe I'm not ready to say it?

But here's some of the things that have been bouncing around in my head but just aren't quite well-formed enough to come out for real:

1. I'm drowning in memories. I don't know why. It's like my brain is trying to punish me...I keep thinking of things that I DO NOT want to think about...things that make me cringe and blush. Stupid things that happened or how things were or things I said...the moments that just make me want to pull an Alex Mack and turn into a blob and disappear. They're taking over my brain. And every time a thought comes up, my brain goes into panic mode. I mentally scream and try to drown it out and not think about it, but I can't. I wish I could just cut out those parts of my brain so I could SLEEP for once.

2. You are who you are. You are who you are, and you can't really change it. I mean...you have differenct facets and I guess you can CHOOSE to be someone else, but people will always see you how they want to, and you CAN'T control that. So you shouldn't try to be someone else. Or compare yourself to someone you can't be. Even if other people like them better.

3. I want to write a book. Two years ago, I don't think I could have admitted that to ANYONE. So I guess that's step. I know what I want it to be about. But I don't know exactly how it's going to work. And I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I have what it takes. When I think about it, it seriously makes my stomach drop. When I try to plan it, I get frustrated and tangled in the details. I know I'm not READY to write it yet...and I will only be able to do it when it comes. And I guess that's part of what's frustrating. It worries me, but I can't DO anything about it. I have some growing to do. If I can do it at all. It just scares me so much...that I've had this dream for so long and I don't know if it can ever really happen. I don't know HOW to write a book. I don't know HOW...to...It's like the difference between looking at art and painting a picture. I can analyze til the cows come home, but that doesn't mean I can actually CREATE something. ...And it's kind of what I'm basing a lot of my life on...Something I may or may not even be able to do. It...scares me beyond belief.

4. You were right. I still have a long way to go (even though I'm getting better). I AM doing better. I'm a different person than I've ever been, and it's good. But like you said (and yeah, I did get kind of mad...) I still have a lot to let go of. I just get SO SO SO ANGRY sometimes. And sometimes I forget how things actually are. Yep. The End.

...I really don't even know what I just said. All that up there? Yeah. I have no idea what I'm doing right now...my brain is cob-webby. I don't know. I'm going to stop until I'm more coherent...These were just thoughts that wouldn't leave me alone.

Happy March.