Not in the mood.

Day 4: Sibling

Dear Sibling,

We grew up fighting, pulling hair, scratching, locking each other (read: me locking you) in the chokey.

I'm so glad we've grown up. Because now I actually feel like we're in a good place. A place where you can call me crying and ask for advice, or where I can just walk into your (coughMYcough) room and lay on your bed and talk about nothing. You're the only one who can know what it's REALLY like, and you're the only one who knows all the memories, and you're the only one that shares that language with me. You're closer than any friend I have solely because of that stuff, and even though we still fight and annoy each other and disagree sometimes, we're sisters. No one can replace what you give. And you'll always be there, through everything. You'll be the maid of honor at my wedding, the aunt to my kids (if these things happen, and isn't it weird to think of us being old? Yes). My life wouldn't be the same without you.

The End.

3

Day 3: Parents

Dear Parents,

You are great, and I am not always. Seriously, you're the best. I know I don't always tell you that, and you definitely get the brunt of my bad side. After all, who sees you at your worst more than the ones who love you the most? Because they have to love you no matter what. And you do. You do, and more than that. It's in the way you overreact and ground us from everything for a week and then come appologize and reduce it after an hour. Or how you embarass me by yelling at the boys across the field before church. Or how you bring me a candy bar even after I've said I don't want one just cause I'm in a bad mood. You see right through me, and you know everything about me before I even do it. But what can you expect? You've known me even before I knew me.

Really, you're the epitome of putting your kid first. You've sacrificed everything for me, and I know you always would if I needed it. Sports practices, vacations, camps. Money, time, driving back and forth. You've been to almost every game, competition, award ceremony. It's amazing. I'm terribly, terribly lucky to have such amazing support and love, and terribly, terribly unappreciative.

But it's not just that you've shown me love; you've also given me the discipline and tools I've needed to be able to step out on my own. You haven't handicapped me. Isn't that the goal of parenting? To do such a good job that your kids will eventually leave you? Even though I don't always open up, and even though our relationship isn't from the movies, and even though I have flaws, I couldn't imagine anything better. I see myself become more and more like each of you every day. And that's terrifying. But I just hope someday I can do half as good of a job as you have with my own kids. To give them memories of Easter egg hunts and Christmas trees, kickball coaching and apple orchards, makeovers and playing Little Mermaid. And to love them so well that they eventually leave and go do it themselves. Thanks.

Love, Lolo.

Day 2: or, The 4th of July.

Day 2: Crush

Dear Crush:

I don't really know who I'm writing to with this one. I guess because I'm not really sure who my crush is. Or maybe I don't have one. It's probably that. And rather than just being vague and cryptic and leave you hanging, I'll tell you why.

It's because I have more-than-crushes. Nothing in my life right now could be considered a "crush" in the "I-like-you-but-we-haven't-talked-but-I-hope-something-happens-even-though-it's-far-fetched" sense. I haven't had that in a while.

And I don't really know where I'm going right now. So I can't really figure things out. I'm just kind of...waiting to figure it out. Not really in a position to have a crush, exactly. Maybe someday.

And, you know, just where I am right now, I don't know what I hope will happen. That's another thing I think is missing from the crush aspect. When you have a crush, you hope he'll notice you. You hope you'll get that 5 minutes by the locker, that dance at the party, that random text, I don't know, however crushes work when you get older. But really, I don't know what I hope.

I hope to be happy, and that's all I hope. So, crush, here's to that. Someday. Or maybe not.

Love, me.

PS: This was a bad letter. Oh well.

Day 1.

So. I saw this somewhere, and if you know me, you'll know how into it I'd be. It's called the 30 Day Letter Challenge. You write one letter per day for 30 days. And...normally, I'd say that's a pretty big committment to something kinda trivial when I am so so busy and have so much else going on/that I could do. But, since I'm kind of in a place right now where I don't exactly know who I am or where I'm going, I figure it might give me some direction or perspective or something on my life. What's important? What lurks in the corners I haven't explored lately? Maybe most importantly, who will these letters be to? Ah, here it goes.

Day 1: Best Friend.

Dear Best Friend:

This isn't really a hard one to decide who to write to, but it is kind of a hard one to decide what to write. Mmm, but I don't think it'll be like this forever. I think it's just how it is right now.

You're my best friend. We've been through a lot a lot. And I thank you for it. I don't know what I would do without you....or how I'd have gotten through some of the stuff I did. You're pretty much the only person I feel I can just TALK to.. Without a filter...say how I really feel, be ugly, tell pretty much everything to. I think that's something special, the bond we have in that way. I don't know...we just GET each other. Or at least that's how I feel. I don't think there will ever be anything quite like that, at least for me. It might be different for you. And I think it's been kinda different lately. I mean, we've both been really busy, and there's been a lot of new beginnings and brand new endings in our lives and we're kinda on different pages right now. But I just feel like I don't really....GET you. I mean, I can't track things, I don't know what you think or what you're doing, I feel like kinda a constant...burden? Intrusion? on the life you're living. I feel like I've done something wrong or maybe you don't approve of how I'm steering my life right now or something...but I think you'd tell me if that was true. I guess I just feel a little lost right now, and I feel like you haven't really been in my orbit enough to be reachable. You're there for me all the time, though, so I guess I feel like I should take this one on on my own, and learn to just suck it up and be ok. Honestly, it hurts me a little, but only a little. I'm fine. Like I said, I get that we're busy and on different pages and focusing on new beginnings and things like that. I just worry that things have actually changed for real after college this year, and that the dynamic will be completely different when school starts again and lots of other people enter our lives. I kinda feel like it HAS changed.

But that's ok too. Things change. It's really not that big of a deal because you're still my best friend. And that sounds too simple and lame to counterbalance all the stuff I just said, but it's actually the only thing that's important, and it weighs more than anything else. I know it's just time and age and change, and I know it's just summer, and I know that it's all ok. For reals. The End.

Love,
Me.

My new motto:

Tom: Why'd you dance with me?

Summer: Cause I wanted to.

Tom: You just do what you want to, don't you?

It's like as soon as I say or think I'm NOT going to do something....Mmm, I do it.

Somewhere in Oklahoma.

There are so many sayings, songs, books, and stupid Facebook statuses about "living like you're dying" (and, you know...dreaming like you'll live forever, or whatever). And now I'm going to add another blog post on the subject to the world.

I guess we're just fascinated by it as human beings. That big "what if." What if the world was ending tomorrow? What if you had a few hours to do everything you've ever wanted before it was all gone? What really matters? Who? What would you do?

So I guess the answers to those questions are supposed to motivate your life. And you're supposed to try to live like everyday is the last day. So...why don't people live like that? To an extent, I don't know. I'm not sure why, if you really want something, and if you know that it'd be a huge regret if the world DID end tomorrow, or if you KNOW that somewhere out there there's that one person you'd want to be with if it really DID happen, well, I don't know why we don't just drop what we're doing and center our lives around those things.

To an extent, though, it's because we can't. You CAN'T live your life like the world will end tomorrow because it wouldn't really be living at all. It'd just be this big, stagnant, breath-held waiting game. And there'd be no real living taking place there at all. What a paradox.
Also, sometimes the things that would be beautiful and perfect in that stationary moment before it all comes crashing down AREN'T things that last. They're not things that are meant to be in the long term. Thinking of this great "what if" can't sustain real life, I guess. Or maybe it can, and I just haven't figured out how to make it work yet.

So, I think it's probably a balance. A balance of sifting through and finding what things you want that you're just holding yourself back from (things that you've made excuses about too many times, things that you haven't done or let yourself have because you've let other things get in the way...) and doing them, and sorting those things out from living your real life, the life you have now. The life that's not a "what if" or a wish or a should've or anything else. What you really, really have to deal with and keep living. (Whether you like it or not.)

And when the actual moment comes, well... Live like you're dying.

(PS. I know exactly what I would do.)