How I feel right now.

No one knows what they're doing with their life completely.

And the good thing is, you don't have to.

Enjoy it. Embrace it. Discard it...and Proceed.

So, in my long period away from posting anything, I've been thinking. I have, I've just had nothing of real importance to say, really. But now I do.

I've been thinking.
People always tell you what you should feel in any given situation. After a break up, don't feel sad. After you fail a test, don't worry. Cheer up. Don't get a big head. Don't get your hopes up. Just get over him, he doesn't matter, you're better than that. Smile! Life's not so bad.

Well, you know what? Fuck that.

I'm starting to think it's just this: Feel what you feel. You can't make yourself feel any other way at that moment. At that moment, embrace it. Wallow it in. Feel it completely. It's not wrong just because everyone says you should feel differently. Fuck that. It doesn't matter. Feel what you feel.

But this: Here's the caveat. Don't get bogged down in it. It's just a feeling, after all. It will be gone soon, and replaced by another. Don't let it overtake you, defeat you. Feel it at that moment.
And this, which is probably more important. You aren't allowed to follow this rule unless you do this. Know yourself. Know yourself well. Know who you are, and know what you need. And be strong enough not to lie to yourself. And do what you need. If you know you should start making yourself feel better but you still feel sad, too bad.

So really, maybe, what I'm saying is do what you need. But the other works too.

Queen of the Pipe Dream

Why do I want to be a writer?

It took me a really long time to admit that that's actually what I wanted to be. I still question it everyday.
It's a scary thing. To put yourself out there so blindly. And to not know if anything you're doing is even good at all. To not know if you even have "it."
Sometimes, I just worry that I'm no more talented than the kids sitting next to me in Creative Writing. And, realistically, really...how many of us are going to make it? I worry I'll spend my whole life working shitty jobs and making no money and chasing this dream that will never be realized.
I mean, we all want to live extraordinary lives...but the fact of it is that most of us will be ordinary. Get a job, get married, have some kids, die.
But you know, it's definitely not that simple. There's joy in the "ordinary." And the world's "ordinary" is each person's own extraordinary.

And you know, I'd really rather spend my life chasing the dream than sitting there and making money and hating every second of it. Worth it? Yes.

One of the things I've been thinking about life on a big campus...or maybe just life in general...lately is this:

I like to study people. So anytime I walk by someone, I like to look at them and see them listening to their music or looking at their phone or just looking at something else. Sometimes I smile. Sometimes I look away. Sometimes I make up a story about them.
Most of the time, I wonder what their life is like. Where they're going, where they will sleep tonight, what they will do in between. What is their normal, everyday drag. What.
But, man, the though just hits me...I'll never know.
And what's even crazier to me is that I will probably never see that person again. Or if I do, I might not remember them at all, and then it's just the same as never seeing them again. Or that they could eventually cross my path. In a small way, in a big way, in a huge way. And now, standing on this street, NOW, I can't ever know which it is.

And that just blows my mind.

Stay with me. Let's just breathe.

Sometimes, I just wanna go back. Back, back.
Back to...I don't know. When things were easier? When I was little and all I had to do was sit on the couch in pink flannel PJs and play with my new cat and call up my neighbors (one of whom I now frequently see at the bus stop...13 years later) and play N64 and run after the ice cream truck and create fake businesses and catch bluegill and whatever.
Back to when the biggest thing on my to do list was the swim meet after school. Or the game on Friday. Or whether or not I'd see you at your locker. Or whatever.
Back to when things were easier or before I knew what it was like to be really hurt or to really fight with people you cared about or to have important relationships really change.

But then, I think...you have to keep moving forward because going back to those times 1. Is impossible, and therefore not worth dwelling on, and more importantly, 2. Will not make anything better. Yes, you probably would feel at least a little bit better, a little bit fuller, a little bit more fulfilled right away...but then nothing would change, and eventually, it would still hurt. Yep, it's better to hurt sometimes, because moving forward is the only way that it will eventually STOP hurting and start being something again.

This is sad, I know.

It's just that at night I've got nowhere to hide.

I am so much better than I was last year.
I am so much happier than I was last year.

I am so much better than I was last year, and here's how I know:

Last year, I wrote down resolutions, of sorts. Things to do in the next year. (Last year, I was the most sad/depressed I've ever been. A mess)
One of them said, "Be happier. It's a choice."

I know because when I wrote that, I didn't believe that it was.
But...I can't really argue with it anymore.

Just reading everything I wrote then...it doesn't feel like me anymore. And that's a good thing.

Definitely a good thing.
Bring on another.