I've been thinking about people a lot lately. Mostly about our qualities. The good things about each individual...and our fatal flaws.
Today my English professor asked..."How much is your character your destiny?"
Interesting question.
...I'm not going to answer...
If you know me, you know I like to analyze things...especially myself. I don't know...I like to be in touch...I like to know how I'm feeling and who I am. And I think life calls for a little self evaluation every so often...a little check up and re-evaluation of who you actually are.
Now seems like a good time.
This is me:
The Good:
I'm not stupid.
This is by no means my best or most prominent trait. I'm quite aware that I'm NOT a genius, and I'm NOT fantastically gifted. But I know I'm not stupid. A lot of times I think that this so-called "good" is mostly a product of the fact that I hard work and care an absurd amount...and most of it probably is. But I think I have some naturally occurring mental strengths. I've been told I'm a pretty good writer/comprehender, and I'm good at organizing and analyzing. So. I'm not stupid.
I don't give up.
I think this is my best (and worst?) trait. I don't give up on anything. Ever. It goes along with the working hard thing...I drive myself hard. I just don't like to quit...even when it gets hard or bad. I forgive people easily, and I'm willing to give everyone a second chance. And a third and infinity, usually...even if they don't deserve it. It's a good thing...and it could allow me to be great...but I sometimes let it drive me to the point where I get hurt.
I'm kind of funny?
Or so I'm told. Once you get to know me? People either really like my sarcasm or think I'm really mean. I guess you take what you get.
I'd do ANYTHING for the people I love.
I know this one is really cliche, but I absolutely, 100% mean it. For the people I REALLY care about--the select few--I would do anything to make them happy. Even if that means I don't get exactly what I want. I let people in pretty easily, and if I'm going to give you a part of my heart, I'm going to give it 100%. No holding back. If you have a part of me, you have it, all the way. For the ones that do, I will be there. In the middle of the night, to talk, to drive to where you are, you have me. The number might not be huge, but I'm loyal to the ones I love.
I'm strong.
I don't always act like it...I sometimes fall apart and lose it. But...despite it all, I think I'm a strong person. I can make it through the hard things, and I always bounce back. Maybe I just haven't been tested enough to know I'm not. But I think with the really big things, I prevail.
The Bad:
I'm not paitent.
I do NOT like to wait, and I get easily frustrated and antsy when I'm not enjoying whatever I'm doing. I talk over people, I rush through things, I make rash decisions. I throw things. I have a horrible, horrible temper that is embarassing and which most of you (unless you've lived with me or are member of my family) have probably not seen. Lucky.
I can be extremely self absorbed and selfish.
Are those the same thing? When I'm upset, I inflict it upon my friends and family. I CANNOT seem to internalize my feelings and DEAL WITH THEM MYSELF. I ALWAYS put more poor friends through hell in the form of a crying, hysterical phone call or by listing everything on my mind. And you know what? I don't stop to LISTEN to them nearly enough. I'm a brat, pretty much.
I'm anxious.
I do let the little things get to me more than I should and more than I care to say. I freak out unnecessarily...and I've always been that way. And I always realize with time that it was not as bad as I made it...which leads me to....
I do not learn my lesson.
This is probably the worst of the bad. It's a bad trait...not to learn from mistakes. Really it's more like I don't listen to what other people tell me. I have to learn on my own. I can't grasp the lesson until I learn it myself and until I'm ready to accept it.
The Ugly:
So. This is the worst. My fatal flaw.
I think too much.
I overanalyze everything. I think things into situations that don't actually exist, and I get worked up over things that aren't real. I worry all the time. I make to-do lists...I'm obsessed with post-its. But worse than that...I let things get in to my head, and I push too hard. I can't let anything go. I push until there's nothing left and it's all ruined. And I let it all happen in my head.
I don't know...that's just how I see myself. You might be reading this and think I'm absolutely, completely, way off mark...because that's not how you see me at all or that's not how I exist outside my head.
Isn't it funny, though, how what I consider my best good is also what I consider my worst flaw?
I wonder how true that is for everyone.
Anyway.
This is a picture of me.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Four. Three. Two. One. I'm letting you go...
I've been thinking about doing this for a long time.
So...here I am.
You know...I've missed writing. Not the writing I do now. Something that isn't quite fufilled while spilling my thoughts out on the similarities and differences between Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights. Or by writing random thoughts and ideas and lyrics and whatever else is in my head in a book (journal? Cringe.) by my desk that only I see. I am no longer satisfied with compartmentalizing everything I feel and all the things I want to say into the generic little burst that is the Facebook status.
I have things to say.
And I think I'm ready to start saying them out loud. Even if nobody is listening. Or despite whoever is.
So. I'm not going to try to be deep and intellectual and inspirational or whatever else. I'm just going to write. Freely. For myself.
I have changed a lot. I just realized this recently...sometimes seeing yourself in a situation you once knew can show you how far you've come. I mean...obviously I changed a lot in high school...but that's not what I mean. Being home over Christmas showed me how much I've changed even since August. But I think the root of it lies in summer. I had a lot of time to reflect on myself by myself. To analyze and evaluate...and let go.
I can see it sometimes now. I'm a lot more mature (or I like to think so...) I have more perspective on everything. More aware. Less...uptight. Less emotional mess. Less fragile. More positive. I'm happier than I was. I'm stronger.
What made the difference? I think it was just this: I learned to let go. I learned to let go of the little things and just relax (a lesson I admitedly don't always remember...) I learned to be by myself...and in that, I learned to be happy with myself. That was a big part of it, I think. And I learned to let go of the things that weren't helping me be where I wanted...or were hurting me...even if that was something I was choosing to ignore. And I think that was a big part too.
Letting go is a big part of renewal. And I've found that's it one of the hardest things for me to do. I'm one of those people that likes to hold on. I don't like to give up....on anything. Hold on too tight or when there's nothing left to hold on to just because holding on is familiar. It's habit. It's tradition. I like routine. I like safety, and I like the securing of KNOWING how things go.
Too bad. That's not how real life is. Sometimes you have to jump and not know where you're going to end up. It's part of it. Sometimes you HAVE to let go of things in order to move on and get where you're going.
I'm still working on it. Here are some things I still need to let go of. Or...some things of which I need to let go:
Perfection.
If I'm not doing things the best they could be, I feel like a failure. Or at least I feel like there's more I can strive to do. It's hard for me to come to terms with that. To let it go. But I need to realize that there IS good outside perfect. And that I can reward myself and look at experiences and find the VALUE in them outside the arbitrary system that tells me what is "good"
What people think.
This is probably one for a lot of people. And what I'm going to say will probably be easier said than done. But a lot of times I censor myself and worry excessively about what they'll think. Like...when I post a status or something stupid. I evaluate myself based on what I think they're thinking. And that's really stupid. I want to be secure enough with myself that I can just PUT IT OUT THERE and take whatever comes back. I think I'm getting there in some ways...but need work on others. Something like emotional detachment.
My Mistakes.
I've made a lot of mistakes. There are a lot of memories that haunt me and that I torture myself with. The past. But none of that is real NOW. There are some things I will never know. There are things I can't change. Even if I could, I probably wouldn't. But it's not good to hate myself for it. It's ok to forgive myself and let it all go...And that's what I need.
Ok, so I thought of one more big one.
The Image I have of Myself.
I have this idea of WHO I am and who I SHOULD be...based on who I was or how I thought I should turn out. And I feel bad about the parts that don't fit in the cookie cutter mold I've made for myself. Point blank: I have to accept the things I ACTUALLY am and let go of the things I label myself. It is what it is.
The End.
So...here I am.
You know...I've missed writing. Not the writing I do now. Something that isn't quite fufilled while spilling my thoughts out on the similarities and differences between Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights. Or by writing random thoughts and ideas and lyrics and whatever else is in my head in a book (journal? Cringe.) by my desk that only I see. I am no longer satisfied with compartmentalizing everything I feel and all the things I want to say into the generic little burst that is the Facebook status.
I have things to say.
And I think I'm ready to start saying them out loud. Even if nobody is listening. Or despite whoever is.
So. I'm not going to try to be deep and intellectual and inspirational or whatever else. I'm just going to write. Freely. For myself.
I have changed a lot. I just realized this recently...sometimes seeing yourself in a situation you once knew can show you how far you've come. I mean...obviously I changed a lot in high school...but that's not what I mean. Being home over Christmas showed me how much I've changed even since August. But I think the root of it lies in summer. I had a lot of time to reflect on myself by myself. To analyze and evaluate...and let go.
I can see it sometimes now. I'm a lot more mature (or I like to think so...) I have more perspective on everything. More aware. Less...uptight. Less emotional mess. Less fragile. More positive. I'm happier than I was. I'm stronger.
What made the difference? I think it was just this: I learned to let go. I learned to let go of the little things and just relax (a lesson I admitedly don't always remember...) I learned to be by myself...and in that, I learned to be happy with myself. That was a big part of it, I think. And I learned to let go of the things that weren't helping me be where I wanted...or were hurting me...even if that was something I was choosing to ignore. And I think that was a big part too.
Letting go is a big part of renewal. And I've found that's it one of the hardest things for me to do. I'm one of those people that likes to hold on. I don't like to give up....on anything. Hold on too tight or when there's nothing left to hold on to just because holding on is familiar. It's habit. It's tradition. I like routine. I like safety, and I like the securing of KNOWING how things go.
Too bad. That's not how real life is. Sometimes you have to jump and not know where you're going to end up. It's part of it. Sometimes you HAVE to let go of things in order to move on and get where you're going.
I'm still working on it. Here are some things I still need to let go of. Or...some things of which I need to let go:
Perfection.
If I'm not doing things the best they could be, I feel like a failure. Or at least I feel like there's more I can strive to do. It's hard for me to come to terms with that. To let it go. But I need to realize that there IS good outside perfect. And that I can reward myself and look at experiences and find the VALUE in them outside the arbitrary system that tells me what is "good"
What people think.
This is probably one for a lot of people. And what I'm going to say will probably be easier said than done. But a lot of times I censor myself and worry excessively about what they'll think. Like...when I post a status or something stupid. I evaluate myself based on what I think they're thinking. And that's really stupid. I want to be secure enough with myself that I can just PUT IT OUT THERE and take whatever comes back. I think I'm getting there in some ways...but need work on others. Something like emotional detachment.
My Mistakes.
I've made a lot of mistakes. There are a lot of memories that haunt me and that I torture myself with. The past. But none of that is real NOW. There are some things I will never know. There are things I can't change. Even if I could, I probably wouldn't. But it's not good to hate myself for it. It's ok to forgive myself and let it all go...And that's what I need.
Ok, so I thought of one more big one.
The Image I have of Myself.
I have this idea of WHO I am and who I SHOULD be...based on who I was or how I thought I should turn out. And I feel bad about the parts that don't fit in the cookie cutter mold I've made for myself. Point blank: I have to accept the things I ACTUALLY am and let go of the things I label myself. It is what it is.
The End.
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