I hope that you see right through my walls

I think I might be having some kind of identity crisis.

(Also, I know it's been a long time since I've written anything here. I have a lot of thoughts. I don't really know why I haven't been putting them done SOMEwhere, but I think it has something to do with the rest of what I'm about to write and will be remedied, I hope, by the rest as well).

Well, I don't know who I am anymore, really, and I'm not sure why. It started this summer, and I'm just as confused now. I think it's two things.

One, I'm scared. I'm a senior. I don't really know what I want to do next year/forever. I'm watching the plans I thought I had crumble before my eyes--it kind of feels like sand through your fingers, if you need an image. That's fine, but what can replace it? I don't know yet. I try not to let this worry me too much because I WILL, ultimately, do SOMETHING. A job doesn't have to be a career. I will find happiness in my life. I do it all the time. But I'm scared (there, I said it.)

Another aspect of this senior-ness is the fact that I just can't bring myself to care as much. I think part of that is that I was in Bloomington for the summer and that I worked a lot in a school-like setting. Going to class the first day was SO HARD this time. I don't remember being this unenthusiastic...well, ever. How do I get excited? Will it just happen? Will I just adjust? I just want to rewind a semester and get some of that passion back. Sometimes I feel excited to DO things again, but I'm mostly, overwhlemingly underwhlemed.

The other part of the problem is that my confidence is shaken. I don't know how this happened either, believe me. The voices of failure are just creeping in more and more. Actually, I do know how I think this happened. I questioned myself a lot this summer. I realized I'm not the person I thought I was--a big revelation for someone who ruminates on the self as much as I do. Well, if I'm not that, what am I? And I don't think I liked what I saw other people see, if that makes sense.

Basically, the short version: I'm lost.

Lost isn't bad. It can be good, even beautiful. But here are my goals to get me a bit more unlost. (Disclaimer: Some of these are silly and not really totally 100% toward the purpose of getting me unlost...maybe just to control my life a bit).

1. Cook a new, real recipe per week.
This was something I tried to do this summer, and I'd like to continue. If there's a character building purpose here, I don't think I see it. But it's fun?

2. Keep running.
If you don't know, I'm training to run my first mini marathon. I'm also not the world's best runner. I did pretty well with my training plan this summer, and I need to keep it up...even when I get busy at school.

3. Get back to church. At least sometimes.
When I was last home, my mom asked me when the last time I'd been to church was. I had to ask her when the last time we all went together when I was home was. It was Easter. I think it's time to try a bit harder.

4. Be nicer.
This is part of what I discovered this summer. The person I thought I was isn't congruent with the person I am sometimes.
I need to think before I speak. I need to listen and not just talk, not interrupt. I need to stop cursing. I need to stop saying hateful, gossipy things. I need to consider other people's feelings more before I'm blunt without filter. I need to not take my stress out on others. I need to do better.

5. Here's the biggest one: Let. It. Go.
I have the biggest problem with letting it go, and I have a big problem with worrying about the little things. That paper or test isn't going to matter in 25 years. Probably not even in 5 years. Maybe not even in 1. It's not going to matter if I got 1 B or even 2.
Lauren, let it go. You know what is going to matter? The pictures you're not in, the memories you don't have. Let go. Live a little. Soak it all in.

If there's one promise to myself I think will help fix the lost, I think it's that one.

Let's go.