There really is life after marathon, rollercoaster love...

I think the people God puts in your life are there for a reason.
Maybe that's something cheesy or hyper-devout to say, but it's the recurring theme of my life right now.
They might not be there for forever, and they might not end up being what you expected, but they will serve the role they're meant to...Life is funny, and sometimes I think things turn out too perfectly. People fit in perfect pieces. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. Or maybe, as is human nature, I just tune out the pieces that don't fit and cope with the chaos by focusing on the things that do.
But I really do think people are there for a reason. Sometimes you just have to wait a little longer to figure it out.

This blog has become the total opposite of what I wanted. I'm in a funny place right now? Bleck.

Sham On

So I'm done trying to plan out my life.
Semester by Semester. Day by Day. Hour by Hour.

Cause guess what? It's completely pointless.
I do it because it gives me the feeling that I'm in control. But I've just come to realize that I'm not.
In reality, I have very little control.
I can make the choices I make in the moment, but having my future in a constant death grip does nothing but make me tired and make me ruin moments.

I could lie to you, but that'd only really be lying to myself. I tried to plan out every single course I'd take in college. Actually, I do it every semester. I can't help it. I just want to make SURE that I'll be able to do it all. Always ready. Constant vigilance.

Here's the real problem: I've been running around this whole time trying to fool myself into thinking that I KNEW what I was doing. So when a wrench finally got thrown into the plans, I was finally forced to come to a screeching halt--I do NOT know what I want to do with my life.
I just...didn't want to be one of those kids who comes to college and is UNDECIDED and just kind of floats around wasting time and money.
But, haha..that's really what I AM. I just had to see it. I still don't know how to figure it out.

I guess you just have to be flexible...learn to react and adjust. You can't plan EVERYTHING out, and really...there's no use trying. People survived and go on even after the unexpected. They live. I'm still not quite ready to accept that. Flexibility has never been my strength. Ask my mom. Or...anyone who's ever met me.

So basically I have no idea what I want/need to take next semester. And I can't even bring myself to LOOK at the book. It's entirely overwhleming. I foster the half-desire to just open it and take whatever sounds interesting. Random new subjects that might change my life...or something. But that I could never justify to myself. I think I want desperately to be that kid that does really well in high school and then just goes off somewhere and does something completely un-extraordianry but is extremely happy.

Here's another problem: I want to write. I want to be something big. I want to write, but I'm starting to wonder if I have what it takes. Because writers WRITE. They write their whole lives. You don't need a college degree to write. If I want to be a writer, I should be writing now (after all, life only gets more complicated from here...so I can't use the excuse that I'm too busy. It will never get less busy than this) But I can't. I haven't written like myself in a very long time. And I don't know if I have what it takes.
It's just hard to give up on a dream. I think that pretty much sums it all up.