I found God on the corner of First and Amistad.

Tomorrow begins Lent.
(Well, actually Lent starts today, since it's after midnight, but whatever.)

Yes, it's a crazy Catholic thing.
But it's not, really.
I mean, it's not JUST a Catholic/religious thing.

Lent is about preparing and improving. For some people, it's a religious thing. But I don't think it necessarily HAS to be. I think the idea is more universal than that.
We all have room for improvement. And we all need a little life-evaluation every so often. It's so easy to get so caught up in the day-to-day that you forget. We all need that kind of refocusing every once in a while. To take a step back and redirect ourselves in the way we want to go.
Maybe to resolve to be more spontaneous. Or not to let the little things get you down. Or to do one thing that scares you every day. Or to finally take the steps to live out a dream.
If we don't look at our lives every once in a while, I think we get lost...bogged down, doing the same things over and over and not REALLY living at all.
It's about improvement. And that's how I look at it every year. It's not about sacrifice and making yourself miserable. It's about the challenge, and it's about striving to find weakesses and fill them.

This year I'm going to go to church every week. I haven't been...it's harder in college. So I think that's a good one.
I'm also going to limit my online time to 15 minutes a day. Because I waste more time than I should, and there are better things I can be doing.
Those are my main ones. But I'm also going to try to be more positive and take more risks...everyday is an opportunity. I want to make sure I take full advantage of it.

So. Here's to 40 days of improving. And here's to not letting it stop at just 40 days.
Let's start now.

Absolution.

I'm not quite bold enough to post this on Facebook...but I figured it'd be safe here where no one will see.
I'm a survey junkie.

10 things you wish you could say to 10 different people:

1. I hate you. You're stupid. There's so much you don't know. Good luck. I kind of hope it all bites you in the ass.
2. I wish you would call me more! I know I don't say it often (or at all..) but I really do value you in my life, and I'm glad we're closer now.
3. I think you've changed a lot. It makes me sad. And I don't think there's anything I can do about it.
4. I liked you. I never told you.
5. Our sincere talks are awesome. But sometimes I just can't be around you.
6. You sympathize with my crazy, and you're so fun. I can't wait for next year! And you should be more confident. Because you're awesome.
7. I can't believe some of the things you do/say. Seriously?
8. You're fantastic in every way. You make everything infinitely more fun/crazy. Thanks for picking me up off the ground during my worst. Love times forever.
9. ...There's way too much to say. But none of it would change anything. So I say nothing.
10. You're the only one that knows everything. You complement me perfectly. Don't know what I'd do without you. We're basically one person.

9 confessions to 9 different people:

1. No, I don't think you're cool. I think you make stupid choices, and I think you're going to regret them one day. Also, I've stopped caring.
2. There wasn't always a parent present.
3. I think you need to stop waiting for the perfect moment. It's never going to come. Reality.
4. I haven't told you everything. I feel really bad sometimes.
5. I think the way you treat boys is weird and nonsensical. In fact, I mock you for it often.
6. I looked through that stuff.
7. I don't actually agree with a lot of what you say. I think it's a little crazy.
8. You're one of my biggest sources for gossip. I think you're fake...in just about every way there is.
9. A lot of the things I make fun of you for....I'm just jealous. I wish I was more like you.

8 apologies to 8 different people:

1. I'm sorry I made you cry that one time.
2. I'm sorry I put you through such hell while refusing to listen to what you said and see the truth.
3. I'm sorry I can't be what you want me to be. And that I can't say what you want me to say. Not in a sarcastic way. I really am sorry.
4. I'm sorry we fight so much and so bad. We're a lot alike. I'm going to regret it deeply one day.
5. I'm sorry to all of you. But especially one of you, that was the worst. You don't know. And (I hope) you never will. I don't take it back but it was wrong and not like me. Karma's a bitch?
6. I'm sorry I can't love you all the time like I should. It's horrible. Maybe the worst.
7. I'm sorry. Because some of it WAS my fault. I just got a little crazy and ruined it sometimes.
8. I'm sorry I'm not a very good listener. And that I never let you speak.

7 things that cross my mind a lot:

1. SLEEP
2. Homework
3. Spring Break!
4. FOOD
5. The Future. Dum Dum Dum.
6. Grades
7. Home

6 things I do before I fall asleep:

1. PJ it up
2. Brush my teeth and floss
3. Wash my face
4. Check Facebook
5. Set an alarm/pick the song to wake up to
6. Read

5 people who mean a lot:

1. Mom
2. Dad
3. Bonny
4. Erin
5. Jessie

4 things I'm wearing right now:

1. NHS shirt.
2. Awesome crop-y sweatpants-y things I love.
3. Not-favorite underwear.
4. That's all. Ha.

3 Songs I listen to often:

1. The Show-Lenka
2. Gives You Hell-All-American Rejects
3. You Found Me-The Fray

2 things I want to do before I die:

1. Write a book.
2. Figure out what I'm supposed to do and do it.

1 thing a lot of people don't know about me:

1. I don't like to eat my cereal with milk.

Here comes the sun...do do do do...

I'm freaking out.
I'm freaking out because I'm not involved in enough stuff and because I feel like I'm not doing well in my classes and because I DON'T know how to make it better.

I'm even annoying myself.

So. Because I'm being such a butt today, I will make a list of all the things that make me happy:

• Spring-like days in February. Even if that comes with the volatile wind and rain. It's worth it.
• All the fresh fruit I have in my room. Raspberries rock my world.
• Spreadable swiss on wheat thins. I'm starting to seriously think it's the best thing in the WORLD.
• Spring Break. It's so soon. Florida. Sand. Warm. Ocean. It makes me smile just THINKING about it. Gosh! : )
• The fact that I cannot remember the last time I cried in the stairwell. And the general lack of late-night drama. No more emotional rollercoaster.
• My friends. Who love me even when I'm crazy. Which is a lot.
• My friends. When they're crazy and make me laugh. Especially...any time Tara or Erin speak.
• The apartment! We signed the lease and next year is going to be SO AWESOME! Real food, own room, awesome living room for girly movies! I'm excited.
• New songs on iTunes.
• Almost a month til my birthday! ANNNNND on my birthday, I'll be in Florida! :)
• Bear Naked Granola and Cinnamon Toast Crunch (as a dessert. No milk, ever, ew.) Oh my gosh, so so so good.
• In a few weeks, my mom is coming down, and we're going to Red Lobster for dinner! My favvvvvorite. Love!
• My summer job! You don't understand how VERY excited I am to work at camp! It's intimidating...but it will be such an adventure! Outside hiking, in the sun, playing games, working with kids...I smile.
• Clean sheets. Nothin' better.
• Having my big blue squishy pillow back! It's been so long since I've had it. Love.

Yeah. That does help. Whew.

:)

I put all the things from you in a box today.

Being home is strange.

I guess I haven't really felt it until now...maybe because before I was always home for a REASON or because other people were home too or because somehow I still felt like nothing had changed. But this time feels real.

Being away makes you see just how much things...and you...have changed.
Going to swim sectionals today was made me see it more. I can't believe it was only a year ago...it feels like more. That I was the one on deck, putting on my suit, nervous and excited at the national anthem, jumping at the blocks. Only a year ago that my dad and you were in the stands when I looked up. Only a year ago that it was over.

Maybe I'm stupid, but I feel endlessly older.

Being there just reinforced how very far removed from it I am now.
It made me realize that no matter how much you want to keep things how they are, sometimes you just outgrow it.
You can't keep it the way it was. I will never go to a high school football game and cheer and scream and eat Steak N Shake or Starbucks with friends after. I will never go in the locker room after a hard practice with the girls. I will never ride the bus home, or cheer at the end of the lane, or have that undefinable feeling of team closeness like before. I am not in high school, and that is not my team anymore, and that's something you can't get back.
It's sad, in a way. But not. Because there are new things to replace it.
It will always be that way.

Like coming home. It IS your home, but it's not the same. I come home to a couch that's not the same and a room and a bed that aren't REALLY mine. They live their lives every day without me here. And I live mine without them. I can always COME back, but I will never again live in this house like I used to. But new things will take its place.

That can apply to a lot of situations.

It's just strange.